Archives for 2005

Lexi got us all sick this weekend in MD. There was beautiful snow on the ground the whole weekend. I wish it would snow just once here. Only if they could get the roads clear quickly, it would be great to see it around town. I just hate being holed up at home after any kind of snow.

Work is as slow as molasses. I’m practically begging for something to do. Tomorrow I’m going to a Christmas lunch at Cheesecake Factory in Charlotte. I only get there once every couple years but it is worth the wait!

Lexi broke part of my camera so I’m having to buy another one. I think I’m going to go for the Canon PowerShot A620. Seems a bit bulky but the reviews otherwise seem to claim it has what I’m looking for.

This weekend was whirlwind of emotions. The resulting argument kind of goes like we’re just friends, but friends lead to affairs, but neither of us want that, well just be careful and let me look over your shoulder just to make sure whatever you’re saying is truthful. OK, that made no sense but just had to get that out.

Scott is supposed to be bringing me Starbucks this evening. He needs to hurry. I’m hungry.

http://www.amyjbennett.com/2005/12/22/240/

Feeling awfully thoughtful today. We didn’t do a thing today up here. It snowed all day long. Good thing we decided to come a night early. Just looking out the window at the snow coming down steadily sets up a perfect environment to let your mind wander. And you can see the poem I wrote before shows just that. I have never written a poem in my life. Probably as you can tell. Some of it rhymed, some of it didn’t. The thoughts just would not leave my mind. I tossed and turned for 2 hours trying to take a nap this morning.

So tonight I’m working on my new host while I’m waiting on the Apprentice finale. Not much fun really. I hate trying to get Movable Type working. This ftp program I had to install on this machine stinks too. Which is not helping.

Lucky chance
Others danced
We were off
No turning back

Years went by
Learned to fly
Horses drawn
Beaches hot

Sheets blazing
Eyes gazing

That’s what dreams are made of

Every day dawning new
Same old thing for us to do

Something new
Quick how do you do
Blushing face
Words erased

Stolen glances
Sexy dances
Minds on go
Can’t go slow

Aspen winters
Spanish summers

That’s what dreams are made of

Words found out
Efforts spent
Husband’s angry
Wife’s crying

Hearts are broken
Minds are numb
All alone
And regret is sown

Whatever mattered
Is now shattered

That’s what dreams are made of

It looks like the weather is going to be pretty bad tomorrow. We may try to leave this afternoon. Not going to be fun with the kids. At all. But I would rather suffer tonight than be stuck on the side of the road or even have an accident.

Hmm, how am I feeling today? Cold. And I’m going to be feeling even colder on Thursday. We are headed to Maryland for a long weekend and the high all weekend will be 38!!!!! That is freezing!! We are still in the 50s down here. Emma is so excited about going. And she is really excited about Christmas. She keeps asking if today is Christmas. And Lexi tried to rip open C&L’s Christmas present. I’m goign to have to do some damage control on the wrapping paper. We have all our shopping done except his Mom. Which she supposedly wants a leather jacket but I don’t think she has picked one out.

We watched Mr & Mrs Smith last night. It was fabulous and um, encouraging . Let’s just say Scott and I will be buying that one.

Today Kyle went to court where the guy from school charged him for assault. Looks like he has to get a psychiatric evaluation before they do any sentencing. So we’re back to waiting.

Lately I’ve been reading up on what Jews believe. I thought it was a simple difference of Christianity. We believe Christ was/is the Messiah and Jews were waiting on someone different. Way wrong. They don’t even believe the Messiah will be God or even partly God. And they believe when he comes it will basically be peace on Earth. It seems they basically believe that the first coming of the Messiah will be like what we expect out of the second coming of Christ. Just for those two reasons, it would be easy to reason that Jesus is not the Messiah. Although what they are expecting and what I believe what should be expected are two different things. So it seems in order to reconcile what to believe in, you would have to interpret the prophecies differently. Or something. I haven’t dug too deep into it except to see that the matter is not as simple as I once thought. Their faith seems to believe in a work-based faith. That as long as you repent and try to live right, then you’re good. The whole concept of being born a sinner and needing a savior outside of yourself seems to be a foreign concept. I don’t know, these concepts have been debated for years and I’m not sure I can do much except try to understand why people believe what they do. Which is why I’m really interested in finding out why I believe what I do. So this Sunday School lesson about Jesus seems to fit right in. And our teacher wants me to teach when he is out in a few weeks. I feel pretty inept but I’m hoping to do the lesson justice. It’s just weird when you put your faith in a context that is much bigger than yourself. You really do start to question if what you believe makes sense. And of course I do believe, and even more strongly believe, in what I believe but I just want all the pieces to come together. To become more clear on why I don’t believe something else just to know that I believe the right thing. Right? I’m sure lot of people have gone through the same thing. And now I can somewhat understand how someone could leave Christianity for another. If I had not experienced God myself, I can imagine from a purely textbook explanation, you could easily be swayed to something else. I have said lots of times that Christians believe some weird stuff. But I guess that what any type of religion is like. Anyway, that’s where my head has been on that whole subject.

Nothing much going on around here. I stayed up late last night with work. Most of it went well and all of the important stuff is good.

So Scott seems to be making a small effort to change. He’s read his book I had bought him without me reminding him to a couple times this week. He bought me a rose last night and had lingerie and the rose laying on the bed when I went to bed last night. It seemed somewhat for him, not me, but at least he tried with the rose. I can tell he catches himself when he is starting to get irate.

As far as the guy at work is concerned…we’ve had lots of conversations since last week, one including the fact that I have to be careful around him or I’d get myself in trouble. Since mine and Scott’s conversation and then the one with him, I’ve been flattered when he said something nice but neutral. I guess I’m realizing it has to go in one in ear, feel good for a second, and then out the other. If I let it do anything else, I get too wrapped up.

I had my hair cut last night. I was growing it out and it had got down to my shoulders almost. But it just ended in a stringy nothingness every day. She kept it almost the same, maybe an inch short in the front and then did it shorter in the back. It sticks out in the back. Everyone seems to think it’s “cute”. I guess that’s better than it was. My hair is just not going to do long. My hairdresser suggested just buying extensions. I’m good with that as long as they look good.

I’m planning to move hosts but I’m not sure when I can get everything installed. I lost my old Movable Type install files which I kept because I thought a couple years ago you had to start paying but I saw on their site now they have a free version so I’m going to go for that and see how it goes.

Sunday School was good today. I didn’t think I would be interested in a study solely on the life of Jesus. Been there, done that, right? Um, no. It barely even scratches the surface. Well, I know a lot–I just have never studied the actual scripture that shows why I believe that. And I have been so interested in what we learn. I even took a notebook today and took notes. I’m realizing that I have taken so many things for granted that I believe. I still believe it and it’s not changing that, it’s just broadening and giving me a very deep appreciation for it. The truth of the matter is in a global religious sense, Christians believe some wacky stuff!! Like I said, I’m not saying I’ve changed my mind about anything, it’s just since being in college and the workplace and out of my little world, I’m seeing tons of people who don’t believe in Christianity and it’s really challenged me to know what I believe and why. Not for them and not even to persuade them. But just so I know. I can’t explain really where I stand. It’s like I know it all and I’ve heard it all and I’ve read the scriptures, it’s just like everything is coming alive and has a real place in the world and not just my life. I’m not sure if anyone can understand that but it’s to get back to that place where I want to read the Bible and am ready to learn more. And you know what, the desire comes after the practice. It’s funny, I’m learning that to be something, you can’t wait until an opportunity comes or the desire or the will to do something comes along. You have to just do it. If you want to be a great Christian (assuming you are already saved), pray, read your Bible, go to church, sing in the choir, visit visitors and then the desire comes after that. It’s sort of like Emma and potty training, I just had to put the panties on for her to be potty trained. As long as she wore the pull-ups, she acted like a baby. When she put on the panties, after a couple tries, she knew she had to be a big girl and go potty like a big girl. If you “put on” the life of Christ, you’ll be a great Christian. And yeah, it may just be hard work at the beginning, but believe me, it doesn’t take long for it not to just be a habit and actions but you become it.

Emma loved Disney on Ice. I thought she might fall asleep but she didn’t. Scott and I had a long talk last night. Or rather, I had a long cry. I basically told him Tim was making me feel pretty good with all the attention he gave me but what I really need and want is for him to make me feel that way. And really, he just hasn’t been making me feel that way. And it scares the living crap out of me that I am getting that attention from someone else. So, once again, he seemed to “get it”. I’m hoping this time I see some real, lasting changes. I am tired today. And I have a headache and my neck hurts. I just want to crawl back in bed.