I think what is so hard about this is I struggle with not understanding why I can’t talk to him. I just feel like we get along so well that I can’t imagine not being able to talk to him. And Scott says he wants us to be friends. And I want to be his friend. But it just seems like every time is a struggle to not say things. For both of us. What gets me is I know that people do that. Some people at work, or even outside of work, just have a flirty relationship. And that’s fine. But there’s something about us that it’s not just flirting. I can’t explain it. I have tried to reason it every way I can and the only thing that makes sense is that we were starting to feel things that wasn’t just a flirty working relationship. Somewhere reality was starting to get mixed up in the fairytale. I have not wanted to admit this because in admitting this, I’m calling myself a liar, a cheat and a hypocrite. And you may as well stick a red letter A on my chest. But it’s the only thing that explains the early mornings, late nights, poems, songs, looks, thoughts, dreams, the reason why I can’t just talk to him and feel normal. But who can blame me…the stuff he said to me…
If you were single I would chase you until you put a restraining order on me.
it’s magical…
it’s hard not to think the same could happen with touch, to know when, where, how, how long.
all the more it hurts to know you don’t get that every day, because I know given the chance with me you would.
are you shaking? no. too bad, because you would be.
you’ve had me from the beginning.
it’s like missing you. some days are better than others.
At this point all I really want is to be able to run into him in 5 years, look him in the eye and know that it was all there. That I could call him in 15 years and say it’s Amy and he would say my Amy? And we’d be right back to where we were. Sounds like a romance novel. And maybe that’s why I’m into it. Maybe I just want to imagine all this as a love story. That’s where I get confused where its reality and where its fairytale. Because I’m not really sure that’s what I want in actual reality. What I REALLY want is to be his friend. To be able to have that innocent, flirty relationship. And when I see him in 5 years, it’s only because that’s normal that I see him and we’d hug and know we love each other like friends. And yeah, in the back of our heads, we remember those days that we dreamed. But they would be over and we’d just enjoy each other. Just as us. Just as friends.
Scott seems to think that if he could just be the perfect husband that I wouldn’t want/need to hear that stuff. But I just don’t see it like that. No matter how “full” I am, how could you not want to hear that from someone?