I hate for all these posts to be so self-centered, egotistical and shallow, but I have to write or I might explode. I’m in one of those blah, staring, get-nothing done kind of moods. So I said that my tan went over “well” at work yesterday. I didn’t mention that G said absolutely nothing on the matter, not even to chime in on the banter amongst the other men. He never said anything about it snowing yesterday. He said nothing about everything. He barely even looked at me. OK, this is what I wanted, right? I even mentioned to Scott that he had not said a word. I never asked him what he thought, scared of what he might say. He knew I had gotten one on Monday. It even crossed my mind that it wasn’t what he expected and I looked crappy and he was avoiding saying anything to not hurt my feelings. So I left it alone. Today, he writes me a simple email basically saying someone had asked him about how I looked yesterday (apparently it IS the talk of the office today according to G) and part of his response was that I was more gorgeous than normal, so much so that he couldn’t even talk to me.
Woah.
That will send you for a tailspin. Given that the past couple of days I’ve been thinking that he was totally and completely over me, that was sort of a shocker. I’m back into that torn phase. I so want to talk to him. My ego wants fed. My romantic inclinations wants to build another fairytale conversation and situation. My curiosity wants satisfied. It was my whiff of alcohol to an alcoholic. And of course Scott is working nights this entire weekend and G told me he has no plans for the weekend. Very difficult not to reach out.
So Scott and I get into this drawn out conversation about how what G and I say is wrong only because of G and I’s history and what we say would be no big deal if it was between, say, A & I at work. And he finally gave me a big hit in the stomach when he said it was like if him and AW had a conversation like we did. AW was a girl that grew up in the house beside him. They kissed “in secret” several times as teenagers. She liked him. She showed up at his window at night when we were dating trying to show him her recent breast reduction scar in her nightgown. She left her window open while she changed clothes and he was walking his dog. I left a bad message for her in a mutual friend’s yearbook (yes, I know this was high school!!) and we had it out. It’s been awkward ever since. I was extremely jealous I guess you could say. I knew that Scott wouldn’t leave me for her but I really didn’t like her coming on to him. I can’t tell you how painful that time was for me. I lost weight, had stomach issues, cried over it. It was the drama at the time. And then when Scott said it was like that. That if she came around today and came on to him and he enjoyed it and wanted to talk to her and did talk to her. Met her for coffee and paid for it. How would I feel? Does it make a difference that they had a “history”? That hurt. It would matter and it would matter a lot. She couldn’t say the same thing that another girl could. I would watch over his shoulder every time he sent her an email. I wouldn’t trust her. And that was hard to hear. Are G&I the same? Am I making Scott feel as crappy? Do I want to hear it in the same way as he enjoyed hearing stuff from her? Are G&I more than that? If so, that is even worse than AW & him and that makes me feel even worse.
And I’m back to feeling frustrated because simple conversation don’t seem to be so simple. I still have to restrain myself sometimes and conversations are not as “easy” as they once were. Why can’t it just be a conversation and that’s it???? Why does it have to be inappropriate to say certain things when if someone else said it it would be no big deal? Ugh!!!
Our radio station had a interesting segment on Office Spouses.