Unfortunately I’m really good at sticking my foot in my mouth. And for this one, I still feel more bad than awkward.
When we moved to Columbia, I was intent on getting involved from the get-go at church. We weren’t sure how long we were going to be living there but we knew no one and I wanted to recreate my circle of family and friends at church…and in a hurry. So we signed up for Sunday School right away, we went to their functions, signed up as leaders for AWANA and I joined a Bible study that met really early in the morning.
The Bible study included women that were mostly older than me. I was about 25 at the time. The leader was probably in her late 40’s, maybe early 50s, there were some 30 somethings in there and I distinctly remember a lady there in her late 30s. Her and her husband were in our Sunday School class. I think they had two boys about 8 and 10 that were both adopted. She had shared on several occassions her pain of not being able to get pregnant. It took Scott and I 15 months of trying to get pregnant with Emma so I understood a little of what she was going through but she was to the point of real pain and questioning God.
Scott and I got pregnant about 9 months into our move to Columbia. We were ecstatic of course and I was ready to share with everyone I could tell. I remember going into the Bible Study and one of the first things we did was share prayer requests/praises. I put a big smile on my face and shared our good news. “We just found out I’m pregnant!” I waited for all the congratulations, smiles and encouragement. The leader look at me with one of those half-smiles and said something like “That’s great!” I realized right after I said it that the other lady dealing with infertility was there and she probably was dying inside. It was one of those times I just wish I could take back and still get that awkward feeling inside when I imagine that moment.
I don’t think you should feel ANY shame over your joy at being pregnant, nor any embarrassment over sharing it with that group of women, regardless of their backgrounds. If that woman still felt pain after 10+ years of not being able to bear a child, did it mean that no one in your group could be pregnant? NO. Listen, if I lost my job tomorrow and went to small group on Sunday and had someone come in and gush about getting a new job that paid twice the money for half the hours it would STILL be something to praise. Regardless of the fact that I just got laid off.
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idk, i agree but that topic seems to have its own set of rules. Rock in my Dryer had a really good post about it yesterday. I guess that’s what made me think about it.
http://rocksinmydryer.typepad.com/shannon/2008/09/what-id-like–2.html
I am a woman who is dealing with some infertility issues, and I am HORRIFIED at their reaction to your news! Is infertility painful? You bet. But does that mean your good news didn’t deserve to be shared and celebrated? NO WAY! Shame on them…
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We have close friends who struggled for years (and spent countless thousands of dollars) to get pregnant and were finally able to conceive through in-vitro. It took many years and a huge emotional and financial toll on them. They were able to have two beautiful children and thought their family was complete. During all of it they both supported and were thrilled for all of thier friends and family. We all prayed that at some point we would be able to share in their happiness too. Imagine everyone’s surprise earlier this summer when they announced that they were expecting their third child…no in-vitro, no fertility drugs, no planning at all…just God rewarding them for keeping the Faith.
When I was 5 months pregnant with Leila an ultrasound showed a problem and my doctor sent me for many, many tests. My cousin and his wife welcomed a beautiful, healthy girl just as we were being told that Leila was likely going to have one of two syndromes relating to clefting and that she with the syndrome she would also have severe chromosone damage. I remeber coming back to work (I was the only woman working with 10 men) after a consultation with a genetisist and as soon as my boss asked me how it went I lost it…I was a complete mess! I remember him sitting me down and saying that no matter what happened I would be able to handle it and hearing it I knew he was right. I decided to opt out of the rest of the testing (most of it very invasive) and let God do His thing. Leila was born with a cleft lip and palate (as we knew) but had no chromosone damage or other syndrome that had been predicted.
My long-winded trip down memeory lane does have a point…while it is unfortunate that the woman you met was not able to have children of her own, your blessing was still one of God’s miracles and your wanting to celebrate it was natural. Once I remembered that God was watching over Leila I was able to just be happy being pregnant and was happy for everyone around us too. I’m sure the woman you knew was happy for you too.
Carolyn, “just God rewarding them for keeping the Faith” is yet another arrow of hurt for those of us without living children. What am I to interpret out of this comment? That I am failing to keep the Faith? That even if I’m keeping the Faith God is choosing not to reward me? Does that mean He’s punishing me despite keeping the Faith? If we believe the Psalms that children are a reward from God, and all my children die before birth no matter how much I endure, what does that mean about me?
“I’m sure the woman you knew was happy for you too.” Um, maybe. Maybe not. Perhaps her pain was too great at that time for her to be happy for Amy. You just really have no idea because you aren’t her.
I agree with Rocks In My Dryer, in that it is better to say nothing than to pull out little bumper stickers like this. These kinds of comments do not help with the pain.
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In an effort for this conversation to actually be helpful and not hurtful or even awkward, do you have any input, Lynellen of what WOULD help with the pain? You say to say nothing at all but does that mean I should ignore the topic altogether with my friends that are going through this? Should I not have announced I was pregnant in her presence? I’m not asking these out of sarcasm, I truly would like to know so I can be an encouragement and not a point of pain to women who go through this.
Lynellen, I absolutely did not mean for my post to be hurtful and I am turly sorry that you found it to be. Nicole and Simon struggled for years to have children…adoption was not an option for them because of Simon’s medical history. We cried with them over several miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies and the sadness of a dream long held that was not coming true for them. Through it all their faith remained steadfast and their belief that everything (including all of their hurt) was in God’s hands was an inspiration to all of us around them. This is what I meant by them being rewarded with the children they had wished so long for.
You are right, perhaps “rewarded” is the wrong choice of word but it was not intended to suggest that anyone who cannot have the child they long for is being punished. I have two children…both were born with birth defects requiring surgical intervention. Am I to believe that God was punishing me for some wrong I had done? No, it was simply what happened.
Our friends endured incredible sadness during their struggle to conceive and you are correct in that I can only empatize as the struggle was not mine. I do know that when the news of a pregnancy was shared with Nicole she was able to be happy for us and that is why I believe that the woman Amy met was able to be happy for her too.
Amy, you’ll have to ask your individual friends how they would like your support. My church friends have asked me how they can be sensitive to me and they know not to invite me to baby showers and ESPECIALLY not to gripe about their pregnancy symptoms to me…they know I can not handle to hear that they are hating being pregnant and how miserable they are. Hopefully my grief over my dead children will ease someday, but the fact is that I will always be the mother of dead children and I’ll never be a part of the “in” crowd who can only gripe about how their kids’ activities are running them ragged. Time just wont change those facts. I am left to only wish I had children to drive all over creation, while they complain about how tough parenting is. When women get together they seem to have a hard time talking about much else besides their kids; which completely leaves me out of the conversation. All that to say that there is no one-size-fits-all way to help those who are in pain.
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