When No Became Go

This was written Sunday a week ago but didn’t feel released to post it.

Scott and I have contemplated leaving our church on and off for years.  The church we attend now is the same church Scott has attended since he was two weeks old, his mother since she was a child.  So it’s a huge deal for him to leave.  Most of the time I mentioned leaving to him he would put it off.  Once, before we had kids, we  visited a church in Charlotte but never actually felt the push to make the move.  When I asked God about it, I’d hear No, No, No.  Things got better at church, things got bad, better, bad, better, bad.  We were always on a roller coaster but I never felt released to leave.

This past year both Scott and I were beginning to see more things we didn’t like.  Honestly?  Inside I was more than ready to go.  Him?  He seemed torn.  He knew it was bad but wanted to do what he could to make the needed changes.  But about June his mind was made up it was time to go.  We visited a friend’s church.  Both of us agreed it was a great church but we didn’t feel the pull to go there again.  We continued to attend at our church.

Things got horrible at church.  We both felt like it was the writing on the wall.  It was really time to go.  But we still didn’t want to leave when it was bad plus we had our positions we’d agreed to fill until September.  After lots of prayer and conversations between ourselves and mentors, Scott realized he could do no more.

And finally in July, I heard God’s No, No, No turned into a Go, Go, Go.

Same for Scott.

Trust me, it’d have to be a God thing to move Scott from that church.  I had long since (as in years) given up on pushing.   He knew where I stood but he also knew I would stay at the church as long as he wanted.  And truthfully?  That church was family to me.  I got married there, I had my children there.  I became a Choir Member, Sunday School teacher and Youth Leader there.  My kids adore it there. I’d been there since I was 18 and it was home.  We saw some people in that church more than the majority of our family.

Last week we visited another church and again today.  Wednesday we took our names off of “the list” of leaders for the coming church year beginning in September.  Apparently word had already gotten around that we were leaving because someone mentioned it to us right after Wednesday’s service.

Some people are upset. sad. mad. confused. disappointed. hurt.

I feel pulled in so many directions.

Emma had a breakdown in the car yesterday.  She put her head down on her legs and cried.  She just wanted to go back.  I searched deep, wanting to make sure if my child had to cry, it was for a divine purpose.  I still heard Go, Go, Go.

It hurts to be hurting people.

I was somewhat depressed for a lot of the afternoon today, still uncertain exactly where we were going and yet knowing I couldn’t go back.  And disappointing so many people I loved in the process.  How could I get through this?

Today I was getting the vacuum cleaner out for Scott thinking, Lord, maybe I’m just not strong enough for this one.  And I heard Go, Go, Go again.  And I just wanted to say, I know!  That’s my problem!  But then I listened again and it was more like a Go! Go! Go!  And I had a picture of God standing on the sidelines of a race cheering me on Go! Go! Go!  You can do it!

I still don’t know what’s ahead of us exactly.  Emma will still complain about going back.  Others will still be disappointed.  Who knows, maybe we’re being led away just to be led back.  But knowing God is cheering us on makes the race a little easier to run.