Crazy Love

I wrote this post a few days ago after reading the second chapter of Crazy Love.    I had PMS and yes, it’s a bit dramatic but I do mean every word.  I had titled this post as “Crazy Love – Chapter 2” but looking back, it basically speaks to what I got out of the whole book.  Not everyone will take from it what I did but it just met me in a specific place and helped me with a specific fear.  Between our church’s new direction, this book and the rest of my personal studies, I’m ready to take the next step with my journey with God.  I have no idea what that is but it’s ok.  He does.  And even better?  He’ll tell me.

Chapter 2 of this book was basically “life is short, live for God”.  It’s a tactic, for lack of a better phrase, that many pastors use to remind people that tomorrow isn’t promised.  That your promise to get right with God “some day” may never come around.  It’s true and it works.

But here I am as a Christian.  I’ve given my heart to Christ.  I try to live for him and yet I’m still scared.  Because I really get that.  I get that I may not have tomorrow.  But in some twisted way, I’m scared to say what I should say or do what I should do because I’m scared I’ll be the next Stan or the next Brooke or the next school shooting victim with that poetic ending.  Their last words were about God and bless her heart, look what a life she led!  If I post a song, or write a post or have a conversation with someone…what if it’s just poetic enough to be my last?  What if God says well done, my child and takes me home just so He’ll have that perfect speech at my funeral and others will be saved?

Part of me wants that.  Part of me wants my life to mean something.  For others to know Him because I did.  But another part says forget that!  I want my life!  I want my kids!  I want my husband!  I want to be the one to take care of them!

Screw. that. God.

And God says it’s a lot to ask isn’t it?  To let go of what you love for others?  To sacrifice yourself for another’s soul?  To give it up for a higher calling?

And sitting in a car line, I look out the window and I think maybe God had this conversation with Christ one day a long time ago.  Can you do it?  Can you give up your life for them?  Will you let Me be the one to take care of them?  Will you say yes to Me and no to you?  Will you be the sacrifice?

And he said yes.

Christ said yes.

And at the end of the day I have to realize that no matter what, I’m going to have that poetic ending.  Because I’ve dedicated my life to the fact that Christ said yes.  I sing about him.  I write about  him.  I read about Him.  I teach about Him.  I live for Him.  And it better mean something when I die.  And it better be poetic.  And it better be life changing for someone.  Because if not, my life has been a waste.  But it won’t be.  Because when Christ said yes, it mattered.  It matters to me. And it’s mattered to millions of others.  In fact, whether they know it or not, it matters to every single individual.  And my death, when it comes, early or late, soon or not, it will matter.  It’s coming.  Whether we like to admit it or not.  And I can choose to go quietly or I can choose to live a life in such a way that

the pastor

won’t even

know where

to start.

So from today, I choose to spit in the face of Satan and his fear.  To make Christ famous.  To make my story as poetic as possible.

Just to make Satan mad.

Because I can.

And I will.

So take that.

I say yes.