I’m about to have a pity party of epic proportions. Avert your eyes lest you begin rolling them.
I’m having a really crappy day. And it’s not because anything has been bad. It’s all in my head. Thoughts, opinions, things I keep telling myself. Mostly about my weight. I should be all happy I saw myself on TV last night and trust me, I was. Just ask Mom and Heather who heard me literally screaming I was so excited. But there was one scene where they shot a full back shot of me and it was in a scene with India and Joy and they are like toothpicks and I had this awful shirt that flairs and makes me look bigger anyway because mainly is a size too small for me and doesn’t hit me in the right place but I like to wear it because Scott bought it for me and it wasn’t cheap and anyway, I looked wide. And I’m irritated because I don’t feel like I can complain about that just because all the jeans in my closet are a size 2. Everyone rolls their eyes and says get over yourself.
But you know, I have bad days too.
When my jeans are too tight and it hurts to sit and my one little roll rolls over the top of my jeans. Well, I don’t care if they’re a size 2, it doesn’t feel good. And when you step on a scale and you’re weighing more than you ever had sans a child in your belly to blame it on, it doesn’t feel good. And when you know you’ve been eating like crap and not doing any exercising except opening a piece of Halloween candy, you know you have no one to blame but yourself. And it’s awfully depressing thinking about the fact that the worst thing I ever did was quit the gym and buy an elliptical. And I hate myself that I can’t do one more day of the 30 day shred after my 30 days were up. I hate that I’m that lazy. And I hate that I can’t say no to root beer at Chick fil a. And some may say throw out all your size 2’s and buy size 4s and enjoy your root beer. But you know what, no, I’m not going to let myself go down that slippery slope. Because then I’ll be 3 more sizes down the line and maybe add some diabetes and a heart attack. And I’m as serious as a heart attack right now because that’s how it happens. People give up one size at a time. One piece of Halloween candy at a time.
And it all makes me think about the sermon on Sunday. He talked about having integrity in the little things so when the big things come, we choose what’s best. We choose what’s right. And how I walked away thinking, that’s not quite right. Sometimes the little things ARE the big things. One picture on the Internet, one mishandled conversation, one cigarette, one drink, one lie. All those bad decisions that are small but done over and over are addictions and divorce. The little things matter. So it irritates me that the Halloween candy matters. That this stupid cup of root beer matters. Because GUESS WHAT? I don’t WANT to go back to the gym. I don’t WANT to go running. I don’t WANT to do the 30 day shred. I don’t WANT to eat fruit and vegetables. But all of those added up could mean I would lose these stupid 8 pounds I want to lose. So today, I don’t know what I’ll choose…what I want to do or what’s best. Right now I’m finishing my root beer from Chick fil a. I may avoid the piece of Halloween candy this afternoon or not. I know for sure I’ll look in the mirror just before I take my size 2 jeans off tonight and complain that they’re tight and I have a muffin top. I’ll grimace when I look at the scale in the morning. Besides that, I don’t know. I just don’t know if I can do what’s right this time.
And y’all, that makes for a crappy day.
Yup, that’s what I was thinking when I saw you during the show last night…”Man, Amy looks WIDE!”. I remember when you were on-set and one of your posts was about how incredibly tiny the actresses are. It is not normal (or healthy!). Even the guys are super skinny. Just look at the photo of Leila and Chad; in her bulky coat she looks bigger than he does!
Sometimes on a crappy day we just need our size 12 friends to say, “You look awesome!!” (imagined muffin top and all)
As always you have made me smile and I will happily enjoy a treat-sized peanut cup in your honour.
Carolyn, I definitely was fishing for compliments, but thank you all the same. You made me laugh with your comment!
.-= Amy´s last blog ..The Size 2 Blues =-.
Hi Amy !
I’ve read your blog for a while, and, i love it. You’re really honest, you’re so full of joy, and, your 2 little girls ? God, they look SO cute !
A lil’ while ago, I read your post about extraing on OTH, and, I saw the Youtube video of the promo you posted … It really made me laugh, but, you know what ? When I watched the episode, during all the TRIC scenes, I was looking for you haha I know I won’t ever have the chance you had to be an extra, and, I can’t even imagine how happy you were to see yourself on tv, and … I’m so happy for you, you know ? I don’t know you personaly, but, you seem so sweet ! (And, I totally had to watch TRIC scenes a second time to actually understand the story ^^)
So … Anyway, I know, random comment, not really interesting or anything, but … I had a bad day too, so I understand how you feel … Please don’t be too hard on yourself, you look amazing (c’mon, you had 2 children, and you look 10 times better than a lot of girls i know), you have a great life, a beautiful family, a beautiful house (I’m actually in love with your bathroom new walls haha) … Don’t worry, tomorrow will be better 🙂
Take care,
– C.
Claire, you’re so sweet. Thank you so much!
.-= Amy´s last blog ..The Size 2 Blues =-.
So, I totally get where you are coming from. Not that I’m a size 2 or ever will be (I’m happy to be a size 6 these days! And sometimes still an 8, if we’re being honest), but I understand that it’s all relative. I complain to my size 14 friends and they tell me to shut up.
I don’t share the same disdain you do for exercise – I love it more and more the more I do it. Eating, however, I’m really bad at. And the worst part is I use exercising as an excuse. “I ran 5 miles so I can eat this and this and that” knowing full well it doesn’t work that way. Calorie intake, sure, if you’re actually keeping track (most people burn less than they think and eat more than they think) but what about overall health?
Anyway, I sympathize. No, you are not wide nor do you have a muffin top. But that doesn’t mean that you’re not going to do what every other woman in the world does and be your own worst critic.
I was feeling awful last night because I thought my stomach was HUGE. Where did this gut come from? And then this morning I walked in the door after my run with my sports bra and my workout shorts on, and Jeff says to me, “Wow, your stomach looks really flat?” Ok, how did that happen overnight?
Oh, and I freakin hate the roll that happens over jeans. That’s why I hardly wear jeans anymore!
(and next time we meet at Starbucks we’ll pick up our coffee and take it for a WALK while we gossip. You’d be amazed how much we will burn without even thinking of it!)
.-= Melissa´s last blog ..I’m in a workout slump today =-.
Melissa, the thing that kills me is I LOVED going to the gym. At one time, it was enjoyable for me. So the easy answer is just to go back but it WAS time consuming and expensive to go to the Y. Then I think I’ll just start running like you do but then there is no good place to run outside my neighborhood and I’m too lazy to drive somewhere to run and OMG, I hate to run to begin with. Anyway, you can see the circles I go in.
I think I’m just going to break down and pay for the Y. My health is definitely worth my time and money and I know I’ll feel so much better.
.-= Amy´s last blog ..The Size 2 Blues =-.
8lbs is a lot for a smaller frame like yours – so I don’t think it’s eye rolling. I mean, I’m a 14 and this is my normal-to-heavy size – my skinny is a 10 – but 10lbs on me is a whole jean size! I’d feel like you did. But of course you are skinny and gorgeous. 🙂 Still, it’s okay to have these days.
And Chick Fil A is yummy!
.-= EDW´s last blog ..Just like a little bit of heaven here on earth =-.
EDW, thank you for the compliments and validating my complaints:)
.-= Amy´s last blog ..My Not-Quite Minute on TV =-.