I’ve been holding off on this post for months now. Simply shame has stopped me from me posting. After reading Pete’s blog today about pride, I feel it’s a good time for a little confessional. But not just for confession’s sake, but maybe to help others make a change.
I had a few minutes to myself after dropping my ring off at the jewelers at the mall. I went through Nine West to look for shoes and went to Ann Taylor to try on jeans, none of which I bought. I settled in at a book store for my last stop, browsing romance and then Christian fiction. I was caught up by the Buy 3 Get 2 Free sale and spent at least 20 minutes trying to pick out 5 books. When I realized time was slipping away, I hurried to the front with an armful of books. As I approached the counter from the side, I noticed two other females coming at the counter straight on from another section. I thought I had “beat” them there, or at least gotten there at the same time so I flashed a tight-lipped smile and continued towards the counter. I also knew I was younger, prettier, taller, skinnier than the other two and socially, I “should” go first. That’s shameful to admit, but yeah, I thought it. But apparently they didn’t. As I walked up to the counter, I saw the lady at the register shrug her shoulders at the other two females just as I was going to put my books up on the counter. I held on to my books and turned around to find two very peeved females waiting their turn. I blushed, pulled back and insisted that they go first. They shrugged and took their turn. As I stood waiting my turn, I wanted to run and hide. How awful was I to push my way to the front, considering myself better and more deserving to go first? The ladies left without a backwards glance. It was a knife in the back that I had read the sale wrong and had to put aside a few books at the counter when it was going to cost much more than I had anticipated. Squish two of your fingers together as hard as you can and I felt a little smaller than that. I left the store and the mall with stinging eyes.
I can’t count the number of times since then I have stopped and let someone through a door before me or in a checkout line ahead of me. Some of them seem surprised and sometimes it even brings a smile to their face that I’ve let them before me. I particularly remember waiting on an older mother and her two kids to go through the line at the movie ticket line when it would have been so much easier, had I, who was alone gone through first. Every time, I’m reminded of how disgusting my pride is at times and I am happy to let them go before one such as I.
I can’t help but think of this verse and how much in the past I’ve prayed for these things.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23
I suppose sometimes learning a lesson is not fun but it wasn’t in vain. How many of these things listed were improved upon by this one encounter? As painful as it was, I’m so grateful. I’m so glad God pricked at me and showed me what kind of person I was being. I could have shrugged my shoulders and went on with my day, not really seeing what was going on. I’d rather feel this pain and shame than cause one more person to feel smaller than who they are because of my pride.
So take my lesson and make it yours…make “go ahead” part of your encounters.
It takes a big person (well, big in spirit! as you indeed are young, pretty and skinny) to step back. It takes a bigger person to step back even further and see what that all means in the big picture. Bravo to you for looking beyond the surface of an uncomfortable social situation where you could have easily just said “well screw them” and walked away.
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I was taught to open doors for people and still find it interesting how many people are surprised I did it. Something that I try to teach the kids to do but they still struggle with the weight of some doors…lol.
Thanks, @BusyDad.
@Chris I do think men holding doors for women (or men alike) is (or should be) a “given” common courtesy but thank you for teaching your kids that because I don’t think it is anymore. I’m always especially grateful when I see a parent telling a young man to hold the door for a lady. I always gush with my thank you’s to them. I guess in my case it was trickier because it was two sets of females and the rules are a bit gray in that area.
Great post Amy!
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Thanks Pete!
I had no idea people even thought things as disgusting as this, “I also knew I was younger, prettier, taller, skinnier than the other two and socially, I “should” go first.”
I truly hope that most people out there never look at someone’s appearance and make judgments about being better than them.
I’m happy that you realized your wrongs.
Sue, I understand how bad it was and it was very hard to admit. I’m hoping that by admitting it some people will also take a hard look at their judgments.
I think that if we are all as honest with ourselves as Amy is, we will realize that we all think things that bad every day. Many times.
I’m ashamed to admit I do.
But I’m so glad that I know someone with the strength not only to see that, but to share it, inspiring others to be that straightforward with themselves too.
Thanks, Amy. This can’t have been an easy post to write. I’ve often taken a lot away from what you have to say, but this might be the most important one of all.
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Sarah, I’m always so glad you are a faithful reader here…you encourage me to post the hard stuff!
This post brought tears to my eyes. You are one of the kindest people I know. It’s interesting to see how the strangers saw you differently in that moment. I’m brought back to memories of other strangers cutting in front of me in line – and how rude I thought they were. If their hearts are half as big as yours, then I can’t help but think surely it was a mistake, someone being distracted, not realizing it was my “turn.” Although the next time it happens, I will size them up to see how much younger/prettier/skinnier they are!
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