I want to blog about something great I made or wore or bought or read or something. Something besides all the things consuming my mind. I finally took a note from Aibileen in The Help and wrote down my prayer requests. It was a page long. And not wordy ones either. Just people or situations that are taking up headspace, many of which are not appropriate to blog about. I’ve met with at least 3 different friends this week for coffee. They save me from myself. I can’t live without those coffee dates and the $4 coffee is worth every single red cent to get some of that stuff out.
The one issue which I can talk about because it’s all about me is my job. I briefly mentioned Lexi’s break down about hating my job. I do think there were several factors that made it worse that particular night but I think some truth came out. And has since come out two more times since then. Bottom line is she’s having a really hard time with my new work schedule. And I am too.
I think this whole thing would be easier for them if I’d always worked away from home. I know many friends with children that work and know adults (including Scott) who had parents that worked and turned out fine. Better than fine. So I don’t think it’s working that’s so bad. It’s just this transition is really hard. For her entire little life she’s had me at home and now I’m not. I think the breakdown finally happened when it did because we had spent the first 2 weeks of summer on vacation and it wasn’t until the next 2 weeks I spent half the time in the office and she spent ALL DAY at home without me, sometimes not seeing me AT ALL until 5:15 that evening that she realized what was going on. When we started this deal in March, she was in school, saw me each morning and got filled up with love from her wonderful teacher and fun with friends all day. Now, it is very clear that I’m absent. And while Daddy is home with her when I’m gone, there’s just something about having your mother nearby. And my girls are such mommy girls that I think it’s especially hard.
Emma seems better with it. She seems to understand the concept that no work = no money = no Netflix, DirecTV,iphone, pool, movies, etc and etc. In fact, she admitted she LIKES my job for that reason (see yesterday’s post HA). And I guess Lexi isn’t willing to make that sacrifice. She has said very clearly on several occassions she wants me home and not working.
Everyone assures me that they will be fine. Well, to be honest, I don’t want them to be FINE. I want so much more than for them to be just FINE. I’m not looking to survive here, I want them to have the best possible chance they can get. And there’s the rub. If I quit, it’s going to be stressful and hard for us money-wise. Will I be a better mommy or worse without a job and money? If I’m home but we’re not doing much at all and the time I am home I’m constantly saying we can’t do things or get things and I’m stressed and irritable, am I really doing anyone any favors? Will they be just FINE that way too?
All I know is this has been a struggle since the day I started back from leave when I had Emma. I cried like a baby on my day back and follow my blog and you’ll see I’ve been wanting to quit since then. And yet, it’s been 8 years and I’m still holding on. Something has always stopped me from quitting. Greed maybe? Pride? Fear? Or divine guidance? I don’t know anymore. I really don’t know. And it’s upon my heart nearly every waking moment lately. I know, I know we will be FINE no matter what path I choose but right now I’m looking for BEST. What is God’s best for us right now particularly in the face of adding another child through adoption. Just typing that gives me heart palpitations.
I don’t know what to do. I just don’t. Please pray for us. And if you think the answer is clear…if you’re thinking “She just needs to quit” or maybe “She just needs to get over it, they really will be FINE” feel free to share that with me, by email if you feel necessary. I feel like I need some perspective, confirmation, something besides what’s in my head.
I’ve been praying for you a lot since Saturday!
Becky recently posted…One Year Ago
We have talked about this many times before and I still don’t have an answer for you except that I’m praying for y’all. Matthew will be starting 9th grade and Leila 7th grade in the fall and I STILL wonder if working full-time was best for them. Yes, they’re FINE but the feeling that I spent too much time away from them never goes away. I honestly believe that it is the burden of most working mothers. For now, I’ll continue to pray. Hard.
xoxo
It’s a tough decision, Amy. I quit working when I was 7 months pregnant with G and, other than some freelancing here and there, was a homemaker until February, which ends up being exactly 12 years. I know it might not count much, since I’m part time, and some of those part time hours I work from home, but it has been difficult this summer. The kids are now out of school and every moment I am in the office, I feel guilt that I’m not doing something with them, or that things aren’t like they have been in years past. It’s so hard to make those decisions, but you are very intelligent and I know that you will make the right choice if you put your faith behind it. Is it possible for you to work from home any, or do you think you could do some freelance work if you quit?
Yes I do work from home already and probably could more if I pushed the issue. I think I could probably bring in some income if I quit but giving up the benefits would be harder.
You know Amy, what you are doing is not wrong. There is no wrong or right when it comes to the decision of working in the home or outside it. It is a very personal decision for each family. I would NEVER presume to tell someone either way what they should or should not do with a decision so important and personal. You have to do what works for you and your family.
Just so you can see it from the other side of the fence I can tell you it is just as hard to choose to stay home. I have stayed home with my children for the past 6 years and before that I just worked part time around Matthew’s schedule. Since the economy crashed things have become extra tight for us. I wanted to be there with my children but yes we had to sacrifice…a lot. We do without things I think the average couple with, children our age take for granted. My children actually do without most of the things you mentioned. My older children are bothered by it sometimes when I can’t give them the coolest new gadget that all the other kids have. While my younger children absolutely do not want me to work no matter what. That being said my children would not be able to participate in the extra things we do like band, sports and dance if I worked and they know that too.There is no one that can take them but me. You can’t make everyone completely happy. I know I would never hear the end of it if I worked and could not come to all their activities. I love staying at home with them. I would not change it. Do I worry if I made the right decision? All the time. Especially when it hurts my kids feelings if I can’t give them something they want or are the only kids who don’t have such and such… My children are provided for. It my not be up to the standards of the “Jones” but it suites our life. Some people might say to me “you need to go back to work so you can provide for your children better” but you see if I did go back to work I might be able to buy those gadgets and such but I could not take them to the things they are interestered in so we would all have to be giving up something either way not to mention my time with them. What we do works for us. It’s that simple but don’t ever think it is easier either way. There are down sides to either choice. You have to choose the one you and your family are comfortable with. I hate it you are having a hard time with going back to work and I hate it even more it’s hard on the kids but don’t beat yourself up. Pray a lot and listen to your heart and listen to God and you will always end up making the right decision and remember what is right for someone else might not be right for you. Love ya girl! Hope this gives you some insight to the other side!
Thank you so much, Carmen. It means a lot coming from you. I will continue to pray over it and definitely take your wise words into consideration.
You know, it’s hard either way. I am praying with you through this struggle.
As the sole working parent in our family, the hardest times for me were when I had to leave my 8 week old babies to go back to my job outside of the home. I still grieve not being able to have nursed them longer because I work.
But you know what? God has blessed through all of the tears. I’m grateful that I was able to nurse at all. I’m grateful to have a husband/daddy who adores our kids, nurtures them, plays with them, and teaches them each day while I’m away from home. I’m grateful for how God provides for our family through my job and through my husband’s care of our home.
Do we wish that our circumstances were different? Maybe sometimes. Not as much as we used to in the beginning, I think, as we’ve adjusted to our reversed roles in our otherwise traditional family.
And it’s easy for those of us on the outside to say your kids will be fine. School will start again and the acuteness of your daily absence will ease. What I do think is the best of your situation is that Scott is able to be with them during the day. Their Daddy time is invaluable and will reap such benefit in their teen and young adult years that I would weigh that plus against what I believe is a relatively small negative of not being with you during the day for 2-3 months in a year.
Hang in there. God knows your heart, your family. He will lead, ultimately.
jen recently posted…Reading with Jesse: The Hobbit
Thank you, jen. I definitely agree with the daddy/daughter time and am very grateful for that.
I have no easy answers, but I have a long prayer list going too, so I’m adding you to it. Hugs to you, friend!
Marla Taviano recently posted…a moment’s notice
Oh, Amy! I wish God did tell me what you should do! (Wouldn’t THAT be nice?)
I mean, I’m a sahm. And I think that’s what’s best for me and my kids. I feel like it’s a season for me to be here w/them. So, at some point I’ll do “something else” but now I’m here. With them.
I dunno. Just praying you’ll have clarity. All I know is that God usually leads me by my “excitement” about things. And you certainly don’t have any of that! {<—not in the Bible. Just my life.}
Love you!
a
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I totally get what you’re saying about excitement level. That’s the thing, I usually have such clarity about what to do that it feels weird not to be convinced one way or the other. Thank you so much for your comment and prayers!
Well, only God knows what He’s telling you to do. And He really doesn’t like keeping secrets from us. If you ask Him, he promises to tell you. I have a feeling He’s telling you now, there’s just a lot of stuff in your head that needs to clear out to make room to hear Him… and sometimes what He tells us to do is exactly opposite from what makes sense to us… and being the best mom has little to do with money and stuff and a lot to do with your relationship with Him. But you know all that already…and you’re one of the best moms I know – working or at home. See ya Sunday?
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Thanks so much and YES to Sunday!
I’ve had no choice but to be a working mother. I make more than my husband does, so we’ve even had the discussion that if one of us were to quit our job it would be him.
I don’t think I have it in me to be a SAHM, and I admire those who do. I like going to work and having that adult interaction. For my son, who is now struggling with autism, it’s good for him to have the kid interaction. It makes our time together all the more special.
But every family and each child is different. Just pray, and God will provide you with the clarity you’re seeking. I will add you to my prayer list.
Mandy recently posted…My Journey to Loving Myself…
Mandy, I know several people that don’t care to be a SAHM either. And that’s totally fine by me. The older I get the more I see how many different ways a family handles working and children. Whatever works for your family is definitely the way to go. Thanks for your prayers!
Oh Amy, such a tough thing. I’ve struggled with not wanting to be at work too but because of certain things about our particular situation, I HAVE to so we’ll have health benefits. I’m sort of nailed to the cross with it and it stinks. I’ve thought about going part time, but that would take convincing the big dogs. Is part time an option for you? Working from home more?
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In a round about way I did approach them about part-time and with my position, it’s just not possible. The work at home thing I think is an option if I push it but honestly, I don’t think it will completely help where Lexi is concerned. She seems to be yearning for undivided attention. However, we do possibly have an initiative coming to our department to have more people home full-time and you better believe I insisted I wanted to be first on the list 🙂
I know I struggle with being a SAHM and I don’t even have kids….ok you know I had to try bringing a joke to the table all this is making me wanna go in a corner and cry for you. I too wish I knew the answer. The thing is I think you already have the answer. I think you need to realize that you did your homework before you came into the situation you are in now. Scott and you were in agreement and prayed about it. God opened doors that you were able to be hired on by them full time and that they would work around Scott and the kids schedule. I think the answered prayers and opened and closed doors up until this point have directed you to being where you are. We don’t know the full story. Maybe God is using this time to stretch Lexi. You wouldn’t want to hinder His working on her because it’s hard to do what He’s asked of you…I know you better than that. Maybe God is showing the girls that just because you’re doing what you feel God has you to do doesn’t mean it’s always going to “feel” great. Sometimes obedience hurts (from personal experience obedience almost always equals pain but afterwards it’s an indescribable peace). Knowing Lexi is a lot like me she’s going to struggle with things not going her way…like somehow it’s her fault or she did something wrong or she’s not good enough because HER plan isn’t working out. As much as that would hurt as a mother to think your child is feeling that way you also have to step back and let God be her complete provider. And I know she’s only 6 and may not even grasp all of this now but I’m just saying from my perspective I see y’all trying to make this situation work, I’ve heard the Lexi breakdown, but there’s not one second I question whether you’re doing what you’re suppose to. Quite honestly I feel like the family is going through birthing pains and is getting ready for something awesome. I guess my suggestion is when you do your Bible reading and prayers at night you pray with the girls about this specifically. That God would help you all to adjust and realize that He’s in control and that the situation doesn’t mean you love the kids any less but brings to light the love that you do have for them.
I love you.
Heather
errr that was suppose to say “not being a SAHM”
OK, now that I’m back from actually crying in the corner. Thanks for this. Lexi and I are not alike and sometimes I don’t get where she is coming from, even as well as I know you. It’s easy to “fix” Emma’s problems because I understand completely where she is coming from. Seeing it from this standpoint, I can see that I need to continue to reassure her but “stay in my lane”. It is also good to hear you and Mom confirm that working is best for now. I definitely can see the open doors I had and know how much that was prayed over.
Boy, can I relate. I always thought I would be home with my kids. Seven years and 3 kids later, that is still my heart’s strongest desire. God has not yet opened that door for our family and I live with the tension of the guilt of not being there and the gratefulness that I can provide for my family.
The girls have asked me to stay home many times and I have cried my way to work many more. In the meantime, I just pray for grace and guidance. I have a tender place in my heart for working moms. I’m praying for you today. 🙂
Stacy recently posted…Slip Away
So glad someone else can relate! It’s so hard! Thank you so much for your prayers!
Amy all of these comments have been wonderful, you have so many friends and family that love you and are praying for you. You are so blessed to have been able to be with the girls until this year. You have grounded them with so much love and always been there for them. You have shown them true motherly love, be proud of the fact that you have taugh them how to truely love the way God would have them love. It blesses my heart everytime you leave them, they wants hugs and kisses and more hugs and kisses, Amy that is because of the time that God let you be with them to teach them and guide them and display this love to them. Yes as a mother it is always hard to make certain decisions, and working away from home is one of the hardest. But Amy God gave you the desire to study hard at school and also college. You wanted so much to have a husband, family and good job, God has been answering your prayer all along, He is giving you the desires of your heart. I know it is hard but just relax in the arms of the one who makes it all possibe our Heavenly Father, can you not just feel His love and support all around you. He knows your struggles He feels your pain, He knows how much you love your girls, but most of all he knows your heart. Give it to him totally, completely and forever and go do what you know in your heart that God wants you to do right now. Lexi will be great, and the time that you are with her with even be more special. Believe me, as Christ said “this too shall pass”. You are a great mom, God will take care of your family. Thank you so much for the wonderful daughter in law that you are, and being the best mommy for Emma and Lexi. I will continue to pray that God gives you peace and contempment now and always.
Thank you, your support means a lot. Yes, I definitely feel a lot of love the past few days.
This morning I was praying for this situation and God again showed me that the way Lexi longs to be with you and spend time with you is how He feels towards us times millions. I’m thinking maybe this could be a cool thing to explain to Lexi. That everytime she wants to be with you that she remembers she has a loving God that desires her, even more!
I haven’t been by in a while, so I hope it’s not too late to say that I’ll pray for you about this! As a former working mom who hopes and wants to be a working mom again, I truly believe it’s possible for moms to work and still give their kids the best (and not just aim for “fine”). However, I truly believe every family is different and what works for each family is different. I’m going to pray that you all can find your best solution. In the meantime…sending a cyber hug your way… 🙂
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Thank you, Mary. You know, I actually thought about you and how you had become a SAHM and wondered what you thought about it. It’s actually very reassuring to hear this. Thanks for the comment and prayers!