This anonymous post from a teenager had me all out of sorts after I read it. It’s exactly the type of post I don’t want to read from my kids some day. I don’t want to hear that they think I don’t spend time with them, leave the house a mess and generally like my job more than them. In fact, it really made me want to hand in my resignation notice today. But that’s nothing new and honestly, I don’t think it would fix many problems.
Instead of feeling defeated though, I wanted take that post and really listen to what she’s saying. What is it she’s missing now that her mom is working? What is it that I can really concentrate on? I know she’s not my kid but there has to be some universal truths here. This paragraph especially stood out to me:
Before she went back to work my mom baked bread, sewed for us, spent time with us and dad, hosted guests, and stuff like this. Now everything needs to be perfect for school, but a clean and orderly house, and time with the family is pushed on the back burner and more than not gets burned. It hurts to see that she cares more for her job and lets life at home and together get sloppy.
I don’t care if you’re working or not, you can fall into the trap of she loved [________] more than me. Now hear me, I’m not suggesting our entire worlds revolve around our kids. God and our husbands come first and we are people, not just mothers. But. What are some things to take away from this to make us all better mothers, working or not?
Cook dinner
In the last few years, I’ve really learned to like cooking but it’s been in the last 8 weeks or so since we went gluten free that I’ve learned just how valuable menu planning is. I love that I know what the kids are eating, I’m far less stressed in the evenings and we have a ton more time together. All of that adds up to happier people spending more time together.
However, if you’re not a cook this doesn’t mean you need to cook every meal from scratch. Buying a cooked rotisserie chicken or even throwing some hot dogs on the grill counts. It doesn’t have to be gourmet. If you need help in this area, Money Saving Mom has some great resources. And of course, eating out has its place. I love that we all love Moe’s together and it’s a treat when we go.
In addition to dinner, I think taking the time to do some baking once a week is a great memory-maker. I love thinking back to my mom’s no-bake cookies and rice krispy treats.
And furthermore, cooking is a skill we should be teaching our kids.
Take Care
She loved that her mom sewed for her. Unfortunately, I’m not a seamstress by any stretch. I can sew a button or a hem if I’m in a pickle, but I don’t “sew”. But I can help them take care of their things. Wash a baby doll’s face to keep it clean, brush out a Barbie’s hair, buy batteries for that special toy, display art they worked hard on, get a stain out of a favorite shirt, help bandage a bruise, respect their belongings. In other words, they want mothered.
I find it fascinating she says things have to be perfect for school but not home. Are we spending more time taking care of people outside our home than inside our home? Don’t get me wrong, it’s important for them to see you take a meal to someone sick or run an errand for a friend, but what is priority?
Quality Time
I’m going to work harder at this because I’m really good at being around but not really good at being engaged. It’s hard for me to really stop what I’m doing and just “play”. Three things have stood out to me to work on:
- Play with them every day. Yesterday they did a fashion show and just wanted us to watch. We got them the Just Dance Wii game that I *need* to do for 30 minutes every day. Jump on the trampoline. Be a “student” in “school”. Color. Read. Just talk. Play a board game. The possibilities here are endless.
- I’m personally making a pact with myself to not be on the cell phone anymore around them. I’ve noticed Emma saying a few times “Get off your phone and pay attention!” Ouch! Staring at my phone is the last thing I want them to remember and yet, that’s the memory I’ve been building for them. Please forgive me if I’m not answering calls and texts, particularly in the evenings.
- Finally, the last thing that I saw online recently I want to implement is to quit rushing bedtime. It’s so hard by the end of the day to have any kind of patient energy to slow bedtime down. Some nights, I feel like throwing them in their bed from the hall and then make a mad dash into my own bed. But there’s something special that happens at night. The kids are more apt to talk, more apt to listen and be less distracted. I’m going to try to be more intentional at bedtime and quit rushing it.
ImpressYourKids.org is a great resource for Christian activities to do with your kids, particularly if you have younger ones.
Be Hospitable
I’m going to be honest and say hospitality can be hard for me. I *love* having people over but I always feel like my house is not clean or organized enough to have others over and it paralyzes me. We had my aunt and uncle over for the night over the weekend and it reminded just how much good it is for the whole family. The kids got to see hospitality at work and we enjoyed sharing our home—together.
Stay Tidy
It’s no secret—we have a house cleaner. For those of us that are working you cannot do it all. For our family, the house cleaning went first. We have someone come in every 2 weeks to do the heavy cleaning. However, in between I’m vacuuming the living room, doing dishes, laundry, straightening their room, cleaning off my desk, etc. It’s a never-ending task that I don’t do well all the time but I have to remember it’s important that they see us take care of our home. I highly recommend getting familiar with FlyLady if there’s some way you aren’t already. She has some great basic things we can do to stay tidy every day all the way to full-on house cleaning management.
Now What?
All of this begs the question, particularly for working mothers, when will I do all this? Well, there’s no easy way around being a good mother: it’s going to take a lot of your time. Since I work full-time, I’ve given a lot of other things up. I have given up watching almost all TV live. I either wait until they’re in bed or have a show on while I’m working. I barely read these days. Coffee with friends is few and far between. I don’t get out to the movies as often as I like. I’m not saying you have to be a hermit and work all the time. Rest is important. But our own desires cannot be the MOST important.
Here are some hard questions I’m asking myself:
Have you spent more time reading a book than spending concentrated time with your kids?
Have you spent more time on Twitter than planning out a bedtime routine?
Have you spent more time watching TV than cooking?
Do you know more about the complaints of acquaintances on Facebook than your kids today?
There’s not a magical solution here except to say take a look at where your time goes and see if your kids would say she loves her family more than anything else. And if not, in what areas do you really need to work? There’s no way to be perfect in all of them but there are baby steps in at least one of these we could all take. As I mentioned quality time is my weakest link right now so that’s the direction I’m heading.
I didn’t write this to beat you or me over the head. I wrote it because that post stirred something inside of me to be a better mom and wanted to bleed my thought-process of it so you might be encouraged and prodded to be a better mom too. I hope you are.
I’m neither a mom nor a teenager, and I grew up in a distinct set of circumstances, but with those disclaimers, here’s how that post made *me* react.
Almost any teenager is going to disagree with some of their parents’ choices, and have trouble seeing their parents as people. It’s just really hard not to when you’re that age.
My mother stayed at home because she was afraid of the world. That’s also why she drinks. Perhaps the anonymous teenager doesn’t realize how lucky she is to have a mom who can stand on her own two feet. Coming from where I sit, though, her mom is modeling what it’s like to be a capable adult who can be professionally and personally fulfilled, and I think that’s a hugely important job of a parent. Maybe she’ll appreciate that someday.
“Almost any teenager is going to disagree with some of their parents’ choices, and have trouble seeing their parents as people. It’s just really hard not to when you’re that age.”
-Good point! I believe that you have a lot of truth in your comment. I may be suffering of “the grass is greener on the other side” syndrome. I praise GOD for a mom who can ‘stand on her own two feet’. Thanks again for your perspective.
Sarah, I always appreciate your unique perspective and what a great one that is. My mom did work for most of my childhood, owning her own business and working late into the night. Definitely appreciate all the work ethic and business sense I learned from her.
I’m going to do what I hate doing and comment on YOUR post without reading the original…sorry, but I’m about to leave to go home for the day. I’ll check it out tomorrow. Anyway, I think it’s also important for the kids to get involved with the housework. I cannot wait until Win is old enough to start helping. I actually get him to “help” me clean his room now with his little toy broom and I have a feeling he’s going to be OCD anyway b/c he freaks out when “trash” gets in the bathtub (from the bottom of his foot). So, I just wanted to throw that out there. If she’s old enough to complain about housework, she can also contribute to it. Now, I’ll go read the post tomorrow and I may have a completely different attitude!
“If she’s old enough to complain about housework, she can also contribute to it.” Definitely. My kids don’t seem to care when things are messy if there rooms are indication but maybe if I quit reminding them to clean up, eventually they would care that I didn’t care. Maybe.
*Sigh* I only work outside the home two mornings or so a week, and I still felt guilty after reading that one. Because the truth is, I’d often rather be writing than teaching my kids math. (Extra guilt for this plate-juggling homeschooling mom!)
Most days I truly do think it’s good for my kids to see me pursuing work I enjoy and care deeply about, but I felt gut-punched by this post, too.
My advice would be: Be sure to nurture your kids and to show them the eternal value/assurance of God’s will in the working season has in your life.
Anne, I don’t think it’s bad to want to do something you’re passionate about. The truth is, it’s HARD WORK and that’s why mothers are so highly regarded.
I feel as though you understand me. I was afraid that the post would come across wrong.
I don’t expect every mom to sew, know how to cook, etc. I was just hoping for some more quality time with the family, nurturing(I’ll admit that at 20 now, I still need it), and most of all doing stuff that has eternal value – souls are dying all over without Jesus – and we are spending our time, energy and money on transient things.
The post was also a part of my culture shock after returning from living with a missionary family oversees.
P.S. I posted on your comment on RAM.
Ah, that makes a little more sense. I think I can see some frustration about general money and things in general versus directly at your mom in that now. Thanks for coming over and commenting, it always helps to clarify. Thank you for writing the post, it was a great reminder about the time our kids need and how we ought to concentrate on things of eternal consequence. Truly grateful for that.
Excellent post Amy. I’m constantly struggling to find that balance between work and family. At the start of this year, as part of my desire to be more intentional spiritually with the kids, we began doing a family devotion all together every night before bed. Most weeks it’s just a verse we focus on, although I get ideas from Amanda at impressyourkids often – and sometimes I just look up something real fast on the internet while they’re taking showers. The kids have to be completely ready for bed before we do it and they have a checklist to keep them on task. We have the devotion in the girls’ room and they love finding the verses in their bibles and writing them on the dry erase board. I don’t do anything impressive and I don’t think they really care, they just like that we’re all together and they open up during that time. It’s amazing how it has made bedtime so much less stressful and even though we often spend 20 or 30 minutes they are going to bed earlier and in less time. Bedtime used to be the worst part of our day and now they would say it’s the best time. I’m hoping they will remember these times rather than the times earlier in the afternoons when I’m trying to help with homework, make dinner, and finish my work all at the same time…
Yes! I’ve used our white board to write verses on too and I really want to start it back but do it at night and have discussions. I really feel like I need some sort of guide to follow but I think I just need to follow the Guide if you know what I mean.
Amy,
I am so proud of the fact that you are always trying to better yourself and your children. You do a great job at that and you are a fantastic mom, but really like anything else in this life, the task in and of itself is daunting. That’s why we always need to ask the Lord to help us in all we do. But I think that I must also add that as a parent your first role of course is seeking the Lord, that goes without saying, but even before parenting, you know that I think you and your husband’s relationship must come first because if that dynamic falls apart the children are at a much bigger risk then if you skip (fill in the blank)or ex:…reading to them one night. Love, mom
Amy, I really really liked how you wrote about this. Really.
Now 20 year old post writer – I read your post. I read your comments here. The background you gave makes SO much more sense. I remember returning from studying in London for 6 months – with all the advantages of a good school and nice flat and friends who were basically well-off students – all very glam – and being SHOCKED by how huge our houses were, our grocery stores, our cars. WHY did we need all this stuff when our counterparts at the same social and economic levels didn’t?
That was London, that wasn’t a mission trip and a life very different from home. Your culture shock must have been much bigger, and you comments to this post really helped, so thank you.
As a mom, and to the other moms who commented, I know how that sucker punch feels. Oh, yes. I can probably tell you every awful thing someone has said to me about working or not working outside the home as a mom. Right this very moment I am in the midst of a decision about a new job. I am taking all that horrible stuff and letting it sit in my head and trying so hard to push it aside and fill my head with prayer and TRUST. Oh, so hard.
Now 20 year old – you don’t have kids yet but I hope when you do you will NEVER feel this shame and judgment from others, from yourself. I pray you will always have that focus on God and His plan and not get caught up in what so many of us do – so when we moms read these and feel judged, it’s not you, honey. It’s us. Thinking that no matter what we do we aren’t worthy. We are failing. We didn’t make the cut. I think maybe you can relate to that, too, just not in that way. And we feel – it’s all feelings – that these kids of ours are gifts and man, we can’t even get that right some days. So we look for validation and support and sometimes we don’t get it. Sometimes we get another load of judgement or we see it where it doens’t exist.
Amy is so smart – she read your post for what it is, YOURS. She moved past fear and shame and anything she could have taken as a criticism and right to what she could LEARN. I think Amy, you have such a gift for that. And you, anon, you wrote your truth, with passion. That is all anyone can ask.
Thank you, Liz. Thank you for taking the time to leave such a wonderful set of comments. Yes to this: “when we moms read these and feel judged, it’s not you, honey. It’s us. Thinking that no matter what we do we aren’t worthy. We are failing.”
I’ll be praying for your new job. I just know God has us in particular places for particular times and this might be yours or it might be something you need to say no to. Open doors are always so hard to figure out.