On Love, Fear, Trust and Control

 

Either the whole world read my post about God speaking to me about control and decided to all write and sing about it just to tease me or God really does have something to show me on the topic of control. 

I think I’m getting an inkling about the whole mess.

When I was younger, I had my life planned out.  I was going to college, going to get a job at a bank, get married and have 2.5 kids.  That’s what I wanted so that’s what I prayed would happen and by golly, God was gracious and gave me every little bit of what my heart desired.  I am blessed beyond even what I imagined and these things do make me happy.

But I admit there’s still something missing. 

And that’s hard to write because I don’t mean to diminish what I have because I love it all so much.

I got to my 30’s and had checked all these things off my list and since then, I’ve realized I didn’t really have a plan past the job, marriage and 2.5 kids.  I have no real dreams or plans other than making sure my kids love the Lord and Scott and I get along. There’s a fuzzy retirement to plan in 30 years but between all that I don’t have much direction. 

I’ve decided, as I should have a long time ago, that God really isn’t going to lay out a 30 year plan for me.  A document stamped with “God’s will” is not going to show up on my doorstep.

I know that God will show me daily what to do. I’ve been scared, though, to pray the scary prayers about where we’re going.  The ones that say forget my plans, bring the rain and do whatever brings you glory, Lord. 

And here’s what I’m learning.  I don’t pray them because I don’t trust God.

I don’t.  I mean, I trust him in a little sense but trust him enough to give up control and give him the next 50 years and say do whatever you want?  No, that instills a fear I cannot communicate. 

I say that as if I do have control over what happens.  I know that I don’t really have control.  God takes and gives as he pleases but I do think there’s something about someone laying down their lives and allowing God to work in ways he would not otherwise. 

So I’ve realized that I don’t trust him enough to pray those prayers.  Which means, in turn, that I don’t believe he loves me as much as he does.  Because if I really believed he loves me as much as he does and wants good for me, then trust would be easy.  I would know, without a doubt, that whatever control I gave up may be met with pain, but only for my good and his glory. 

So I think at the end of the day, God has brought this word “control” to my mind but only to show me I still have fear issues and I still haven’t really learned yet how much he loves me.

And maybe the prayer right now should not be about giving up control, but perhaps instead show me how much you love me.  That prayer might also bring the very same scary things too but when I frame it like that, I’m all in.  And at the end of the day, I think that’s all He wants to do anyway.

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