The other day on Facebook Scott posted a status about all the things he had done the morning on his day off–got the kids to school, exercised, read his Bible, washed dishes among a few other things. Part of me felt guilty about the fact that he had done the dishes, and usually does, even though traditionally that’s part of the woman’s role.
Scott and I have learned, though, that he’s just better at it. He cares more when the kitchen is dirty and is quite passionate about how the dishwasher gets organized.
He Takes Her Role
For years, I did the dishes and every single time he would complain because the cups weren’t resting at the right angle or the dishes weren’t being loaded back to front or I had too many spoons in one container.
More and more, I would wait and let him do it. Even when I tried, he would completely redo the dishwasher and I got to the point I just refused to put any effort into it because I knew it would be redone.
We’ve just decided I’ll cook to my heart’s content but he cleans the dishes. Certainly, if he’s working a long weekend and doesn’t have time or we have people coming over, I’ll do it but on the regular? He’s our kitchen cleaner-upper.
And you know what? It works beautifully. He loves having a bleached counter and clean sink and I love that he loves that.
She Takes His Role
Two summers ago I found myself in his shoes. Every single year our pool was a point of contention. The pool needed weekly, if not daily attention and he hated every single second of being outside with it. It aggravated him that it needed maintained so often. He hated going to the pool store and he didn’t have the patience to vacuum it like it required. It frustrated me to no end. I felt like he was being lazy and just plain didn’t care.
I finally decided if the pool was going to be taken care of, I just needed to do it. I’m the one that felt passionate about it. There really was no reason I shouldn’t do it except I had it in my head that he “should” do it because it was outside and traditionally that’s what the men do.
The last two summers I’ve taken care over the pool maintenance, we’ve had the cleanest pool we’ve ever had. And you know what? I LOVE taking care of the pool. I love the science and the satisfaction of everyone enjoying the clean water.
Follow Your Passion
What I’ve learned is that sometimes the person that should take a task in the household is the one most passionate about its completion, regardless of who tradition says should own it.
If you find local movers basking ridge nj over a task not getting done on the regular, perhaps you’re the one with enough passion to see it through. Stop listening to tradition and do what works for YOUR household. We all have different gifts, talents and even schedules that allows for different roles.
Hire It Out
If you are passionate about it and yet physically unable to do it, it’s probably worth the cost of hiring someone in to handle the task.
Neither one of us are great at landscaping and hiring a landscaper last summer to redo our front yard was one of the best things we’ve done. I don’t complain about how it looks anymore and Scott doesn’t feel responsible or incapable every time we discussed what to do about it. If you don’t have the funds to hire it out, trade services or items you own. Scott has used his handyman skills many times in return for someone else’s.
Share The Load
And yet, there are other tasks where neither of us are extremely passionate about it and whoever happens to be free will handle it. Car maintenance is a perfect example for us. Neither of us are really passionate about cars so whomever is near Autozone will pick up wiper blades, both of us will fill up the van when it’s empty and whmoever is driving by the car wash will run it through. Sometimes in the summer, Scott and the kids will wash the outside and I’ll clean the inside.
Neither of us really own those tasks so it’s a team effort to complete them. However, if YOU are really passionate about the car being clean and your husband just hates it, perhaps you need to own the responsibility of getting it cleaned weekly.
Follow Your Passions
The bottom line is follow your passions, even when it comes to household chores, regardless of how you’ve been doing it or what tradition says.
You might find enjoyment in your newfound task, friction will dissolve in your marriage and your household just might find the oil in needs to run smoothly.
My hubs does the dishes. Period. He also does all the laundry (but mine). Sometimes I feel guilty but most of the time, I’m okay with it. I take care of most all of the running around with the kids and all the dr appts, sick days, etc. But it was the same way. I didn’t do it to his liking. And with the laundry, I never did it fast enough. (I do laundry once a week and he wanted it done more than that.)
But it works for us.
His parents on the other hand don’t agree with this. They think I should do it all since I only work part time. But this is what works for us and that’s all that matters. 🙂
Heather {Desperately Seeking Sanity} recently posted…Thursday Thirteen … so random
Scott will do a load of laundry if he needs something for work and helps me put up folded laundry sometimes but I usually do the majority of laundry. I can’t imagine him taking over that but I certainly wouldn’t argue! Kudos for doing what works for you guys!
Excellant post (as usual)! You know dad and I worked through this a long time ago. It’s funny, though for instance, how people still think or assume he should do the barbecueing on the grill. I think I might read this to our marriage class at church, it would be helpful I think! Mom
Amy, this is so timely! I was just having this convo w/Jill this week! My husband is the same way–he sees mess even after I clean! He has the eye for clean and I just don’t. I don’t see messes (and they are genuine messes…I guess I’m just messy!) Anywhoo. I’ve been thinking about all this–Les taking some different jobs or hiring someone to do stuff that I just can’t do.
Thanks!
a
ohamanda recently posted…The Triumphal Entry
Exactly! The messes just don’t bother me until I have time to really do it right. He’d rather get it out of the way.
We also have someone clean every two weeks. I just don’t have the time and even if I did, it’s so worth it!! Of course I’m straightening up all the time and vacuuming/dusting in between so it’s not as if I don’t clean at all but cleaning for 4-6 hours on a Saturday is for the birds!
Scott is so much like his dad,got to love ’em
Yep, Like father, like son.
Just found your blog and I quite like it a lot! This topic of “untraditional” role sharing is a great one. It is certainly how my husband and I do things. With us, it’s cooking. He does most of it, and I get a lot of grief from friends who, of course, do all their cooking. The truth is he so into it that even when I do it, he’s constantly standing over my shoulder telling me how to do it better. Have at it, Captain. 🙂
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Michelle, so glad to have you here! I would not mind a bit if Scott decided to cook like his dad does but I do like cooking quite a bit as long as Scott cleans 🙂