A topic has been rumbling around way down deep for months now. I keep pushing off writing about it. It’s the raw stuff. The vulnerable details. The things that might make some people reading a tad uncomfortable.
This one is super long but worth unearthing.
Not Belonging
In many small ways throughout my life, I have felt I didn’t belong.
Don’t get me wrong, I have an amazing family, both immediate and extended. Nothing was glaringly wrong. No one pushed me in a corner.
But along the way, there have been many times I felt just outside of some imaginary circle.
Let me give you some examples.
I was born in Maryland and my immediate family moved to the Carolinas when I was just three. For the rest of my life, I’ve always lived 8 hours away from my extended family. We would make the trek north at least twice a year for the rest of my life, even until now. My family is awesome. Truly awesome. I love every single person and there were only hugs and happiness when we returned. No one made me feel left out. But I did sometimes.
We were the family that lived in the south and the rest of them lived within miles of one another in the north.
When I was 7, my family moved from one town to another. While I did not want to move, I admit the transition was pretty smooth after we moved.
But still, I always had this nagging sense that all the kids had had a few years of bonding time that I didn’t.
In middle school and into high school, I had an awesome best friend and a great smaller circle of friends. I never, ever lacked friendship and for that I’m so thankful.
But I was in honors classes and many of “the cool kids” were in classes with me. Except I wasn’t in their group. Always with them but never part of them. Sure, they were nice to me. I never was made fun of or ostracized. They just weren’t my crew and I admit I always felt a little left out that they weren’t.
As a teenager, we traveled outside our town 30 minutes to a church in Charlotte. The youth group was large and we were heavily involved. I had good friends, even had a few boyfriends along the way. No one ever made me feel left out.
But still, there was only a handful of us that were from our out-of-state-suburb of Charlotte. I had little clue what students were talking about when they mentioned what schools they went to. I hardly knew road names or neighborhoods. While I look back with great fondness on my time there, I admit there were many times that I felt like an outsider coming to the group.
We attended Scott’s church when we were first married and I was the outsider coming in.
In college, I stayed off campus so I was always the one driving in and not really a part of the entire campus life.
Even at our church now, at times I’ve felt like the new kids coming in.
I don’t hold ANYONE responsible for the situations I was in or the feelings I had. They just were.
Not Just Me
I’m sure you’ve felt this before right? Just outside the circle?
Maybe you felt the same in high school.
Maybe now your friends all work and you stay at home.
Or, you’re just sure you’re missing out on all the cool birthday parties for your kids.
Or, everyone is having coffee in small groups that you’re not.
Or, you’re sure everyone else is in some Facebook blogging group you’re not.
The Lies
We all have an innate need to belong.
I was listening to a TED talk recently by Brene Brown and she talks about how a lack of belonging is at the root of shame and unworthiness.
I’ll tell you what. I had a light bulb moment.
These ideas that I don’t belong? Stink of lies from Satan.
All of those places where I questioned my belonging the most, were the most important, impactful relationships and circles.
My family.
My high school.
My university.
My church.
Looking back now, I truly believe these were Satan’s attempt to distract me, depress me and lead me into a less-than life.
Thankfully, I was spared any deep depression but how many interactions and relationships did I miss? How many hours did I spend second-guessing myself?
The Truth
As I look back now, I can see the bigger picture–the truth.
Now that we live in the same town as my husband’s extended family, I see that months, sometimes years, go by when we don’t see some of his family. Just because you’re within driving distance doesn’t magically give you a close relationship. I definitely belong and am close to my family even if they are hours away.
Even my kids that have been at the same school their whole lives go into every year only knowing 1, maybe 2 people in their class.
Everyone in high school feels left out at some point. Or more likely, at a lot of points. We were all just surviving the best we could.
No one in college has a standard experience I missed out on. Some lived on campus, some lived in apartments, others lived with parents, some lived with sororities. It was all different and living at home was just my experience.
Everyone came from all over the Charlotte area to youth group.
Not every single person, at any church I attended, were all “originals.” We all had our stories of how we got to the church. Even if they were, that didn’t mean they belonged more.
When I look now, I see myself not as an outsider, but a unique individual coming to the group–someone who brought a different experience and personality.
Oh, how I wish I had understood this to the full so many years ago.
I think it’s a total lie of Satan to tell us that we shouldn’t be there, that we aren’t deserving, that we don’t belong.
I’m no counselor or expert but I know so many people are dealing with depression and anxiety. Suicides continue. How many times is that related to feelings of isolation and lack of belonging—even if it isn’t true? I’d wager quite a few.
The truth is God puts us in certain places and then gives us certain people for certain seasons of life and he needs us in those places for the very reason that we’re different.
The truth is we aren’t the outsider destined to sit outside some circle. We just might have what it takes to be the missing piece to finish the puzzle.
The truth is there likely isn’t some secret inner circle and even if there is, we’re deserving of it–ALL of us are. We just might not be meant for that circle.
Sometimes we all just need to adjust the lens a bit on our situations and see the truth for the truth.
Give it a try—think back to some times you felt like you didn’t belong and try a new lens on.
Who was right in front of you trying to include you that you missed out on because you kept looking at that group over there?
What did you bring to the table that made you included because you’re unique, not an outsider because you’re different?
What was just a flat-out lie that you didn’t belong but you really did?
I want us all to learn to appreciate what’s right in front of us—to know we belong and are loved right where we are. All these feelings are just plain lies meant to steal the joy of now.
I can promise you this: you belong here. I pray for you. I write for you. I think about you all the time. You’re my here. You’re my now. And I’m so glad.
Have you ever felt outside the circle? How do you deal with these feelings?
My eyes got all leaky when I read this. I can relate SO much. There have been a lot of outsider moments over here lately! As always thanks for sharing your heart!!!
Wish I could hug you right now. I LOVE YOU JENNY!
Awww! I can feel your virtual hug and I’ll take you up on a real one when I see you on Friday! LOVE YOU TOO AMY! So, so, so glad that God made sure we met each other. 🙂
I so get this! Always felt a little awkward in school, even though I went to the same school K-12. Had the same friends in church and youth group my whole life until I went to college and then moved around some in my early 20s. I moved from one small town to another, and even though I live in a small town, friendships are already set in stone and it’s hard to penetrate those inner circles. Yes, the enemy lies, lies, lies. But it is still difficult as an adult to make new friends when you have a hard time being “outgoing” (read: introvert). I would also encourage your readers to try to include others if you notice someone along the fringes, someone who looks like they want to belong but are having a difficult time. Because, we’ve all been there!
Great motivational topic, Amy!
Leann recently posted…A {Little} Big Heart for People
Leann, I meant to go back and make that exact suggestion. Thank you for bringing it up. Especially for us as introverts I think it’s extra hard to include someone when we’re feeling anxiety about engaging people around us already. I have told more than one extrovert I NEED them!
Amy, this is one of my favorite things you’ve written. Maybe because I relate (SO MUCH), but mostly because you are honest – both in telling your stories and telling His truth. I have felt like this – not quite belonging, always on the edge of the circle – my entire life. I feel like it right now – in multiple circles, even! Thank you for placing God’s lens of Truth over our perspective and Satan’s lies. This is really good stuff.
Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect recently posted…When You Just Need to Let Go
Mary, so glad this resonated with you. I think I owe you a few posts in return for yours that have done the same for me. Don’t let Satan lie to you–you are AWESOME and bring so much to the table.
Leaky over here too. Thank you for sharing. I’m sure it must have been difficult to put all that out there for us, but I’m so very glad you did. I can relate to pretty much each instance you spoke of.
I will definitely be sharing this one, as there are a lot of young women that need to hear this. I remember sitting in a Young Adults Ladies bible study and one of the young ladies asked “Am I the only one that feels like …?” and she barely had the question out when there was a resounding “NO! So do I.”.
While I am starting to see that people didn’t see me as I thought they did, or they didn’t see me as an outsider, etc which is great to learn, I am also learning that I can not dwell on who or what I missed out on while feeling that way, because that messes with your heart as well.
Also, thank you for making the point that we are important and unique, not because ‘we are all unique and special in this world’, but because God creates us as He wants us to be and places us where he wants us to be. That is it, really in a nutshell, isn’t it.
Ok, going to stop babbling and go re-read this and share it.
Hugs
Deb
Aw, hugs for you, Deb. So many of us feel the exact same way and it takes years and years to realize we do. Good to hear another “me too.” I think you are so right that young ladies need to hear this. I don’t know if I would have “gotten it” when I was at that age–some things just take maturity and experience to get, but it sure wouldn’t hurt to plant the seed. Thanks for reading and sharing!
I don’t have the words to tell you how much this speaks to me. I grew up in a loving family but always knew I was apart. Not that I didn’t feel loved or wanted, I was always told that being adopted meant I was “chosen” but the fact that I don’t look anything like my Mom, sisters or brothers gets more apparent as we get older. Every year my mom, sisters and I have a spa day together and a photo is taken of the 4 of us. It’s a bit like the “one of these things is not like the other” game because my mom and sisters have the same eyes and identical smiles…me, not so much. We have a great time together and I know how much I am loved but…
At Church too…,most of the small groups are couples but because I go alone I don’t fit in with the couples group but I’m not actually single so I don’t fit into the singles group either. Our church community is loving and supportive so I do attend the womens’ group and the kids absolutely LOVE their youth groups so I can’t imagine us not attending.
We are blessed with an amazing support group of friends who are like family and they understand that 99% of the time we are the Atta 3 but when the other 1% happens and we are actually 4, they are gracious and welcoming.
Knowing that you are out there thinking about and praying for us is a great comfort. I can’t think of anyone I’d like to have in my circle more than you and your beautiful family!
Aw Carolyn. You know adoption is close to my heart and seeing it from that angle just makes me want to run to Canada to hug you. You are a blessing to m and it’s a privilege to know you. *hugs*
Amy
It is funny in an odd way that “you” would feel left out. People looking at you and your life I think would say you are the ” cool ” chic. You dress really cool, you have an awesome blog, you have a great family, you have such a servants heart and always jump in with both feet to help someone. Not the typical person you would think that would feel left out. This just reinforces to me that you never know what us on the inside. People appear one way on the outside and can be totally different on the inside. I feel this way, just on the outside, most if my life and I agree it us a lie. It is a l
It is a lie I have to fight. You do a wonderful thing here on your blog. People need to see that others are just like them. That they are not alone. You are one brave chic and I love you!
Wow, what an amazing post. You are right on the target. I have been reading Brene’s first book, I Thought It Was Just Me. I saw her TED video and have made a commitment to read all of her books. She has some wonderful insight on why we react and feel shame but she has never given the angle that satan is giving us these thoughts. I too wish I had figured these things out earlier in life.
BTW – this is my first comment to your blog. I really enjoy your posts. Especially What I Wore Wednesdays. You have great style and give me ideas.
The only thing I’ve seen from her is that one TED talk but hear amazing things about her. Really need to check more out.
So glad you’re here, Meredith.
She’s also done a couple of Oprah Super Soul Sunday interview. They are really great.
I saw some tweets about that when it was on but we don’t have cable so I missed it. I’ll have to see if they’re online now.
Yes, I think they are on Brene’s website.
Looks like they’re gone 🙁 I’ll have to do some more digging.
Fabulous. I could totally identify with MUCH of what you said. I also have reflected that this feeling of not “belonging” or being excluded could be part lie (of Satan) and part truth, in that this world is not totally meant to be our home. We are meant to feel a smidge uncomf, out of place, and longing for a deeper, truer connectedness in heaven. Every now and then I’ll meet a kindred spirit with whom my soul connects and I get a glimpse of what community will be like in heaven–perfect, with no estrangement or inferiority.
Katrina, you bring up an awesome angle to this. I have definitely thought about how we won’t ever really belong because this world is not our home.
I guess my issue really has been at times when it made me feel like I wasn’t good enough to belong. In this case, the truth is my worth is in a person not a group of people I associate with.
Beautiful, Amy! I love how you broke down each lie. What an example to follow when we feel those lies running thru our heads!
LOVE.
a
Thanks, Amanda!
Hi Amy,
I can relate to almost all of the examples you gave of feeling left out. I watched the Brene Brown talk recently, too, and it really struck me that if I am insecure about being just outside the circle, I’ll never let my guard down long enough to be vulnerable. To experience the genuine, deep connections with friends that I crave, I have to be vulnerable.
As a newer blogger, sometimes I feel discouraged because it’s a whole new world of circles to “not” belong in. You are so right that the enemy uses these feelings of shame and inadequacy to subvert potential good in our lives and the lives we touch. I have let opportunities to bless people pass by because I’m distracted, trying to protect myself from being hurt by rejection. As for blogging, I know that God has given me words to edify and the enemy would love to stifle those, too.
Thanks for writing about a difficult but very human topic.
“if I am insecure about being just outside the circle, I’ll never let my guard down long enough to be vulnerable” yes! I love this. Thank you for sharing that. Looking forward to checking out your site!
Oh, and one more thing: my husband and I were just talking about not belonging this morning, and I realized that I am elevating the opinions of other people so much higher than I should in those moments of insecurity. It’s easy to say “think of yourself as God thinks of you” but it’s true- there is no doubt that we belong in His circle!!