Two weeks ago I sat at a restaurant table with my family. I’d been gone from home for 11 hours working and picked them up from the end of the driveway on the way home to meet a couple for dinner. I was tired and stressed and I’d missed them. I always do when I have to work at the office. Especially when traffic is bad and draws out my already long commute.
One of my girls had a bad attitude and I was embarrassed in front of the couple that sat across the table from us. They have grown children now, all of whom had been home-schooled the majority of their school years. On the missionary field no less.
The internal dialogue started. The bad attitude is all my fault. If I were just a stay at home mom I’d have more time with them and she wouldn’t have this bad attitude. I’m a horrible mother for working. I need to quit so I can be home more. In fact, I’ll home-school too.
Later that night I laid in bed with the girls for our nighttime ritual. I cringed when one of the girls said she had her end of year award ceremony at the exact time I had carefully scheduled a meeting at work. I apologized and told her I’d have to miss it and just daddy would have to go.
I hate you! I hate your job!
It’s the first time either of those phrases had been uttered and it was my breaking point. I threw the covers over my head and burst into tears.
She threw herself on top of me and told me of course she didn’t hate me, she just didn’t like my job.
She didn’t realize that of course I knew she didn’t hate me (although the words still stung) but the problem was that at the moment, I hated that I worked too. It made me cry harder thinking that after 10 years of me working her whole life and never complaining that it had built up and come out.
I left their room and went to the back yard and cried some more, mentally running numbers to see if I really did need to work.
That Monday she had her awards ceremony and Scott took video and I was able to watch it and I celebrated when she got home that afternoon.
We’re just a few days into summer now and while I’m thankful to be able to work many of the days from home, I still feel chained to my desk. Scott has plans to take them to the lake and I won’t be able to go to take pictures. The girls are spending lots of their time in the pool and I can’t be there to help them do flips and handstands. Other families are writing bucket lists of things to do this summer and the truth is we can only do a fraction of them on my off hours.
I’m so thankful for my job and really, it’s about as supportive of my family that it can get but there’s still moments, you know? At the end of the day, I still have responsibilities that leave me wishing for more. But my job is paying the bills and as far as we’ve been able to tell to date, financially speaking, I need to work and God hasn’t called me home quite yet.
I don’t have a nice bow to tie on this or to give you three steps to enjoying your summer with your kids while you work. I’m just a mom who wants other working moms to hear you’re not alone. I missed ceremonies too and we aren’t at the pool together every day either. Summer is the hardest time of the year as a working mom and the guilt abounds. I get that. We’ll limp through summer like we always do and just be thankful for the other people in our kids’ lives that fill in the gaps we wish we could.
Disclaimer: I realize there are stay at home moms going crazy because they don’t know how to keep their kids busy this summer and already want to check out. I realize, too, there are some working moms that are happy at work and are settled there. This post is for those of us that work and sometimes wish they didn’t.
About once a month I have the same feelings. May is the hardest month with so much going on at school! But I try to stop and realize that I am not missing high school graduation and the likelihood is that no one will remember in 6th grade whether I was there for the 2nd grade picnic. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out. And it’s okay for us to feel awful and for the kids to feel awful. In the end, we are teaching them about balance. And the truth is that we won’t ALWAYS be there at the crisis points as they grow up. They’ll have to face them alone and often “report” to us later. These things are just practice. Painful, but in some ways necessary steps of letting go. Chin up!
I feel this all the time too but summer just makes it worse. But good points, Jennifer. They won’t remember much of this…it’s probably just unnecessary guilt on my part. And you’re right, they are learning different (and good) lessons.
AMEN. It’s the guilt that kills me in the summer. I am very fortunate to have a flexible job and hate to complain for a second, but in the mornings while I’m working the kids get bored and I feel GUILT.
Exactly…the great amount of flexibility I do have makes it harder to complain (as it should probably) but still…in some ways makes it harder to be there but not really there.
“to be there but not really there.” YES. THIS.
I do hire a babysitter for two mornings a week during the summer, and that has helped with the guilt a LOT. The entire time the babysitters are at the house, it is like camp for the kids (but cheaper than real camp). They bake, play games, take walks, and have a blast. So at least I know that two mornings a week they are happy and entertained, even if it’s not with me. 🙁
I just called someone this week to come over too. Just can’t do it myself when Scott works with the amount of meetings I have now.
The interesting thing about this telecommuting deal is we’re the first generation to do it so we’re all having to figure it out on our own.
Summer is a hard time for me, too. My husband’s jobs are with the school year; mine is not. So he is, thankfully, able to be home with our daughter in the summer. I try to have a good attitude and be grateful for the blessing of my full time job and the insurance benefits it provides. Sometimes I feel like Cinderella when I’m heading off to work in the morning and they don’t have to go anywhere. I miss out on movies and ice cream cones and bike rides and gorgeous weather. But I’m grateful that she’s not in daycare all summer and glad they are having a good time.
Was just nodding all the way through this article. I’m so glad to have found your blog – written by a mom who works outside the home ,same as me …
So glad you’re here 🙂
Ok so we must me sistas from other mistas! I have been miserable so far this summer. I am glad that I am not the only one doing mental math and then coming to the reality that now is not the time. Limping through summer is a great way to put it….and it is what it is. I feel better just reading that someone else feels like I do. I too am thankful for my job but I miss my girls and I wonder and fantacize about how different their personalities would be if I stayed home with them.
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Oh, i so hear your guilt. My answer last year was to put her in day camps almost every waking hour of the summer. I’m not sure how much money we actually netted last summer with all I was paying for her to do. This summer, she BEGGED me to not do many camps. She just wanted time to hang out at home (in fact she’s in her room playing Barbies right now). What I explained was her at home meant I would have to be on the computer some of the time and not actively involved with her. She agreed. However, I still don’t get a full work day in when she’s with me as I do want to savor some of this time with her. What’s happening so far this summer is that when she went to sleep away camp, I worked 14 hour days so that could stay sorta on top of things. And, I’m working a lot of early mornings and late nights when she’s home with me. I am SO THANKFUL that my job is so flexible that pretty much anywhere I have the computer I can get it done. But, summer is exhausting. I’ll pray for you if you pray for me.
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We’ve only done the summer camp thing one time and both my girls are pretty much homebodies so I don’t see us utilizing that much. What I’ve used before and using this summer is to hire teenagers to come hang out with us at home. It seems silly since I’m there but they at least can give them undivided attention for a few hours and I can still be around to see what’s happening.
Lets definitely pray for one another.
I’m so glad to know I’m not alone! Sometimes I love summer because it’s a time of no homework, no packing lunches, no days/nights full of activity, but then I hate summer because I’m coordinating schedules from my office wondering and worrying about whether they are making it to the right activity at the right time. I feel bad that I cannot be there to schedule play dates and just relax with the kids while they’re having fun. My little one is sad that I’m not watching her swim lessons and I really feel my older daughter needed me today as she prepares for dance company auditions. But someone has to bring home the bacon and in the summer that’s me! (DH is a teacher and works part time in the summer coaching.)
Totally agree on the no homework and no lunches!! So hard to coordinate from afar! I have calendar notifications set up so I can help my husband remember everything. I hate missing out on the fun stuff too but they ARE having fun and that helps.
This is my first summer of working while my child is out of school. He just finished Kindergarten and was in daycare before that. Fortunately my parents can keep him but I still wish I could be with him. I wasn’t quite prepared for this. He asked me the other night if I ever get a break. I told him no. 🙁
So many blogs are by stay-at-home, homeschooling moms, which I do get some insight from. But it is nice to hear from an outside the home working mom and the struggles we face. Thank you!
You are very welcome! So hard when they’re so young and they don’t understand as much but that’s sort of a good thing because they won’t really remember. They are being cared for well and that’s important!
I’m with you! My husband is a pastor, so our boys stay with him at the church during the day. He also home schools them. I work full time and just finished college last month, so I’m getting ready to launch my career as a dental hygienist. It’s hard. I miss their swimming lessons and afternoons at the park. I miss being there for the day to day stuff. But at the same time, I know I’m exactly where God called me to be. Thanks so much for sharing! It’s great to know I’m not alone.
“I know I’m exactly where God called me to be” <--That's what's important and makes it all worth it.
Thank you for this post! I was just saying to a co-worker yesterday that summer is the hardest time of the year for me because I long to be home with the kids yet I’m in the same position as you…we need the money and I haven’t heard otherwise from God…so here I am. Thank you for speaking for those of us who work.
Jackie
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Very welcome, Jackie. So glad to hear there are others that feel called to work and yet struggle with it.
I totally get this. I work full-time from home and many days it seems like everyone gets the summer off except for me. And even the little things that being able to sleep later in the mornings and not having to commute aren’t always a comfort when the kids are begging to go to the pool or my son asks for the umpteenth time when I’ll be done with work.
I never completely got into summer bucket lists when I wasn’t working full-time but I did start a tradition with my kids several summers ago called Frozen Fridays. We would go and visit a different ice cream shoppe each Friday, checking out new ones and revisiting favorites. This year we’ve not been able to do that even once since school got out (3 weeks ago). And of course, they ask about it, every week. Yet another thing to feel bad about.
I really am trying to work on my attitude and make the most of the moments we do have but yeah… summer is hard. 🙂
Awww…I love the little traditions that you CAN do. We do something very similar even when the kids are in school–we go for cupcakes every Friday because our local bakery does gluten-free ones just on Friday. It’s a fun tradition and makes the gluten-free lifestyle and little more tolerable. I really like the idea of doing something little like that especially for summer. So glad you commented 🙂
Oh, I just know this is going to be me in a few years. My son starts preschool this fall and I think it’s offered year round, so we won’t have the first real “summer break” for a couple years yet, but I am struggling to see how my full-time job (that I really enjoy) is going to work with a kid home all summer. Hmm…
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It’s so hard to be pulled in so many directions, especially when you love them all. Certainly reminds us of our humanity. I’ll say a prayer for you guys!
Wow! I was sitting here at work on lunch break catching up on things and this is something that I am definitely struggling with. This blog definitely hit home. So far since I have been back from maternity leave I have learned that having one child before was easy. Now that we have two I feel like I am constantly being pulled 1,000 different directions, keeping up with housework, laundry, making sure to spend time with both kids, etc. I have struggled being back to work and wanting to stay at home with the boys. It has been a real adjustment and I hate dropping them off every morning. I am hoping that something will change in the near future so I can have something a little more flexible. I just pray that God will reveal to me what it is He wants, because right now I don’t see it possible for me to be a stay at home mom.
I *just* said to Scott last night I wondered if you had gone back to work and how it was going. *sigh* I know it’s so hard to keep all the balls juggling. I know so much. Praying for you guys. Let’s plan to get together soon, miss you guys!
Unfortunately I have and it has definitely been harder than with K. Part of the problem is I came back with nothing to do, so I have been trying to find stuff to keep me busy. All the while thinking about the time I am wasting here that I could be at home. It is hard to keep everything juggling. We do need to get together soon! We were just talking about that the other day. Miss y’all!
Amy, Wow! Why has it taken me so long to find your blog? While I am an educator and am able to enjoy some time off in the summer, I love reading blogs from other working moms. It is so hard to not get caught up in the comparison trap and the mommy guilt! Being a working mom is hard work and your transparency in this post.is sure to help others out (just as it did me) to understand that we are not alone! Thanks so much!
I am sooo glad to have found your blog! I will now be scouring the pages. Finally to find someone that I truly identify with. Being a teacher, summer months are different for us, but during the school year, I often have these exact feelings. Thank you for your honesty.
I’m so glad you’re here too 🙂 I haven’t blogged a ton about working but I definitely am seeing now it’s a need. So good to know there’s others struggling.