Jac0b and Lexi working on their rainbow looms
It’s so funny as the weeks go by, when I look back, I can see where I’m riding a rollercoaster of emotions. It’s a cross between that and a game of whack-a-mole. Some issue pops up–it’s like we hop on the ride. We go up, up, up where the issue gets worse and worse and my emotions get worse and worse. Then, we find a way to resolve it, and down we go until that issue is over and we hop off the ride until new something new pops up.
Last week’s issue was Jac0b’s ADHD diagnosis. I haven’t talked a lot about this here on the blog. Some because of his privacy issues and some because I don’t feel like after 4 months I’m any expert. But, what I realized at the end of last week is that after sifting through all of our issues for 4 months (yesterday was the exact day!) that ADHD is the main issue we continue to deal with. And that means we will likely continue to deal with this for years to come. And that thought totally overwhelmed me.
When we adopted, I was fully prepared (ok, as much as possible) to deal with adoption transition issues. I didn’t actually know what that looked like, but I knew it would be a bumpy road to integrate a new person into the family. But, at some point, we would adjust and move on. What I didn’t expect was an ongoing medical issue that we would need to deal with for years to come. They told us he had ADHD before we adopted him–he was diagnosed at a very young age–but in my ignorance about ADHD and exuburance to adopt, it was nothing more than a footnote. Oh, ADHD, no big deal! Scott has ADHD and we will manage fine.
I’ve come to realize that a child with ADHD is much different than an adult with ADHD and the effects of ADHD on family life is quite remarkable.
I feel like I’ve been baptized in the ADHD world these past months. I’ve done more learning on ADHD than any adoption issue we’ve had. I don’t know everything, but I have learned.
For those that aren’t aware, ADHD is just what it says–an attention disorder. It’s not that a person with ADHD can’t concentrate; in fact, they can concentrate very well when they want to, it’s just that the concentration is never consistent. Here are some other ways ADHD has been impacting us:
- Argumentativeness. People with ADHD often like to argue (I’m generalizing here). Their brains enjoy the stimulation and will often become addicted to arguing and will pick a fight just to start an argument. This has been by far the biggest impact to our family. The arguments have been about the silliest things and will escalate when they really shouldn’t. And when you have two people in your family with ADHD and another with a need to be always be right, well, you can imagine some of the “discussions” around here. As a person that hates confrontation, even if I’m not a part of it, it stresses me to no end.
- Impulsivity. Impulsivity is a hallmark symptom of ADHD and it affects all environments. People with ADHD will often do what they want to do when they want to do it without thought to consequence. This has caused all sorts of issues both at home and school. He’s going to say whatever he things, hit whatever he wants and throw whatever he wants to throw, whenever he wants to do it. There’s also problems with waiting turns and delaying responses which is FUN with 3 kids.
- Inattention. They’re easily distracted from the task at hand and when you’re trying to integrate someone into your family and learn morning routines, etc, it’s hard when the dog walks by or a phone rings–it can throw everything into sorts. Forgetfulness is also an issue here. It’s difficult (read: impossible) to give out a list of things to do and see it done. Almost everything gets lost. Tasks are forgotten. So much attention goes to getting him to pay attention.
All of this adds up to another 8 layers of difficulty in integrating a person into your family. Anyone with kids with ADHD knows it’s hard work. Bless you, friends. I really didn’t understand the struggle.
And so, at the end of last week, when I realized that a lot of our issues are not rooted in adoption transition issues at this point, but ADHD issues, I guess in a way I had to go through a bit of grieving process. And that sounds terrible, like I was regretting adopting Jac0b and that’s not what I mean at all. I think what it means is that I had to recognize what our true issues were and then come to terms with it–I had to get fed up and angry over it and then accept that that is just part of him and that’s ok.
But, you know. God is so good. Truly. I got to the end of my rope on this on Saturday. And then Sunday’s Advent reading was about Abraham and Isaac and how he provided the ram for the sacrifice. God is Provider. God just washed over me the comforting knowledge that he would help us through this.
The truth is I am not capable of handling it. I do not have enough love, enough compassion, enough patience to parent Jac0b, or any of my children. But God can supernaturally give me those qualities and guide us to the knowledge we need on how to cope, and even thrive, with ADHD.
Even Saturday night I “happen” to start a conversation at a Christmas party with a couple who are essential oil folks and we were able to chat about some success stories about oils for kids with ADHD. It’s little things like that where I know God is providing answers for us. Not all at once, but like stepping stones.
Parenting is a hard gig no matter what, but God is greater and can provide all our needs.
Those of you familiar with ADHD, I’d love to know about any resources, occupational therapy, supplements, oils–anything–that have worked for you. Talk to me!
An ADHD diagnosis is very common in children who have been traumatized. “Acting out” is the only thing traumatized children can do with the chemicals that flood their system. (This is true for adults too–think of how irritable and antsy we all get when we’re anxious. Those chemicals are so powerful!) Different things can help–it’s worth trying stuff to see what combination helps him and you. One of the things you might look into is “filial play therapy” which teaches parents play-therapy techniques to use at home. I think play therapy can help heal the roots of the trauma in terms of attachment and trust, while other things (oils, supplements, etc, try and see what works!) can help alleviate symptoms in the meantime.
Yes, I still struggle a bit whether the behavior is all the upheaval or truly is ADHD. In any case, it’s the same symptoms as classic ADHD and all his testing from school points to that as well. It will be interesting to see how it plays out as we get more adjusted and we continue with the DORE program.
I haven’t heard of filial play therapy so I’m off to look that up. I like the thought of attending to root causes as will as alleviating immediate symptoms.
Yes, it’s HARD! What we’ve found is that while one treatment plan may work for a time, as they grow and change (and add in hormonal changes) you have to be prepared to go back to the drawing board and come up with a new plan. This caught me by surprise when suddenly what we had been doing no longer seemed to work at all. Right now we’re having good luck with a combination of medication, Advocare supplements as well as a clean diet (as much as is possible with 7th graders) and we hired a high school homework helper. Her job is to read the e chalk, know what homework and tests they have, make sure it’s all done and packed away in an organized fashion. This has allowed us to just be family in the evening and eliminated the homework battle at our house. You will have to be his biggest advocate at school and we’ve found we have to be pretty demanding when it comes to the school following the 504 plan.
I’ve never even heard of a homework helper. So all this gets done at school to prepare for homework or they actually come to the house to help do it? So far his homework is very, very light but I expect in the coming years this will be more of a struggle.
So far the school has been absolutely amazing with his plan and communication about how it’s going.
It’s a position I created lol. We found a straight A high schooler who doesn’t play and after school sport. The girls go to the high school after school and get all the homework done and she makes sure it’s organized. Then I pick them up at 4:30. They don’t give her any attitude, she’s able to help if they don’t understand something, and we are able to enjoy each other in the evening rather than nagging so much. I wish I had thought of it in sixth grade when homework became overwhelming.
It is a hard process. My son does not have any hyperactivity or impulsiveness but he simply cannot concentrate. He tries so hard with his homework and it breaks my heart that it is sucha struggle for him. He is on Quillvant (a form a Ridalin) and it seems to help. Although I am not thrilled with him being on medication. But when his spirit and selfconfidence was being broken because he couldn’t keep up, I did what I had to do. I have been very disappointed there are not more resources to help kids like Will in my city. Our pediatrician says the next step is a psychiatrist. But I think there could also be some dyslexia. I am interested with what other parents have to say in response to your post. My best advice to you is to know this is a true medical condition and Jac0b cannot help some of the things he does (there is a line). But also, you have to be his advocate for this.
Please check out my post on DORE and make sure to watch the videos. If he does have dyslexia, the program could be very helpful.
http://www.amyjbennett.com/2014/11/03/adhd-and-dore/
Thankfully our school is absolutely amazing and doing everything they can for him. All the teachers and adminstration are super supportive.
I would not feel bad about the medication. If it helps him, you are doing the very best thing! My husband has also been on meds for a long time and I call it MY happy medicine because it’s terrible without it.
I want you to know that God used you today. Last night I layed my hands on my son’s head and asked God to help me fix this brain. And today I got your post email and the link to DORE. A lot of what they decribe in the video is my son exactly. It turns out they have an office in Jackson, MS and it is not too far from where I live. However, I started doing research online and there are some not great reviews stating the results may not be exactly what they claim. Do you know of any personally of any people who have used the program? What led you to the program? Did you see any of the reviews beforehand and what made you decide to go forward? Thank you for your help!
No, I don’t know anyone personally that used it. I only took the account that was in the book from the doctor and his son. I asked a lot of questions when I first talked to them about success rates and basically if you do the program, you can’t lose. At the very, very least, you’ve spent 20 minutes a day on focused time together. Meaning, even if you do it, you’re not harming them so although you spend money, your child isn’t worse for doing it. And from what I’ve seend, Jac0b really has improved on the exercises at least. At the very beginning, he could not concentrate enough to turn 3 circles in the same place. In fact, he broke a vase doing it once. Just this morning, he did a rhythmic exercise with clapping that was so much better than the first time he did it. I’m not sure if it’s helping the problem, per se, but I do know I see improvements. It was also one of those things that I prayed about asked God to show me how to help him succeed and I just felt so drawn to this program and so much peace doing it!